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Dazed
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Dazed Im not really sure how to write this post.You all know me pretty well as i wear my heart on my sleeve..sometimes the emotions just come out even when i dont want them too,lol.But this ones a lil harder to take.A hundred times a day i think and wish that i was a lil again,that i never heard of the words..heart attack,or stroke or cancer or even alcoholism in fact.And even though i had a hellish childhood,parts of my life now are even worse,that id almost be glad to go back to being that little girl. My gram keeps telling me that God doesnt give you more than you'll be able to handle,but i wonder sometimes. My mom called me today.I knew it wasnt a regular conversation kind of thing or else she'd have called my cell..instead of Tims.She was calling me in an ambulance on her way to a Pgh hospital,that she didnt wanna tell me,but she had to...but she was diagnosed with a brain tumor.Of course i freaked out.Hadnt sunk in,still it hasnt sunk in.I talked to her an hour ago and she sounded ok,they were going to give her another MRI,one of the doctors there said he thought that the tumor was at the back of her neck,which would be causing her pain all the time.Im trying to keep my head up and not think the worst,but i always seem to think the worst.Bad habit that i cant get away from.And it scares me because i have no contr ol over it,hell i cant even get to see mom.Ive been praying..but sometimes i wonder if he listens..i didnt say that right i dont think,it just seems like im alone i guess,and when i pray it makes me feel sometimes that im missing something or else im not sposed to know,if thats even making sense. I better get off here and check to see that both of my cells are charged,the one about my mom and the other about my gram,thats all i need is to not have my phone working.And i need to get a shower yet,least i got the grocery shopping done today.DIDNT get the router fixed.lol...so he has to do that today i cant stand this computer,im so used to my laptop.And im getting terribly tired,im about running on empty-i dont think i even ate today,i dont remember if i did. What with my gram being in the rehab place and having no idea when or if they will go home..and my mom maybe having a malignant tumor i dont know how much more that i can take.I had the worst craving to drink today than i have in a long long time.I didnt,but i cried enough tears to fill up a vodka bottle methinks.It just seems like one thing gets better and then some new hell happens.And i need to be with her and yet i need to be with my gram too,its all just a nightmare that i wish with all my heart that i could wake up from. I know life isnt like that,but sometimes i wish that it was.Its just very hard,not sure how ill be able to handle it.Thank God that im at Tims now,or id have lost it for sure today.But he was there for me..more than i can remember.I think that he got a lil jealous,when we left my grams..she called me and said that a nurse asked who the tall blonde with the gorgeous legs was,lol. I swear if i see that stupid news clip of Bono 'snubbing'Bush im gonna blow,lol.First of all..where is it written that you have to hug the damn president??!!The only good thing about the constant coverage of that is i get to see Bono all the time..hehe.But ya know,i can barely stand to watch news anymore.I usually read the paper online,and i watch CNN in the Am sometimes,but even that show sucks 90% of the time.Who even cares anymore..ya know? If ya dont see me around the next few days or so--im not leaving or deleting my blog...just that im trying to deal with all this and at the same time stay sober.Thank you all for bein with me means a whole hell of a lot to me. love you guys..  She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2) |
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I'm sorry hon. I know how it is...life hits you with punch in the gut and when you think it's over, you get kicked down with something else. Sometimes life is like that where the bad stuff comes in bunches all in a certain period of time. Just hang tough, talk to your friends and family members for support, and know I care about you, ok? Who can you call on to save the day? Why none other than... Agent 
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I'm sorry to hear.  Sending positive thoughtsand saying prayers for your mom, your and yours.
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thank you guys,so much,made me cry.I love you guys and ill get to your comments soon...just know that i read them and appreciate all of you. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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7/23/2009 12:54 am |
 got you and mom in my prayers, grams still in it as always.I put up a new blog with my contact info for my network friends only eyes. I am leaving this site for many reasons sweetie. I will miss your blogs and you so much, keep in touch with me. I love you!  friendships is like a diamond, always forever   
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So sorry to hear about your mom!!!  I'm glad you were at Tim's when you got that news & he was so supportive. Don't worry about us, we'll be here thinking of you. Get back when you can.I'll remember y'all in my prayers.
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just returning to say 'Hi!' and send prayer for you and yours
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7/27/2009 9:07 pm |
Aw crap babe, that sucks. Sorry, sometimes you just have to say it. Hang in there and be there for her. Keep us updated. Take care
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