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Much to write about...some good some bad,some silly and stupid but i think i was slowly driving myself crazy this last 2 weeks or so and i really need to try to get a grip-if i can.Its not easy,in fact if things get worse,it will be the hardest thing that i will ever have to do in my life. But im not going to talk bout my gram yet...but i will later in the post,cause i promised an update and ill do that.So some of this post will be my old silly shit--even though my heart is sad i cant be sad ALL the time,even though thats hellishly hard. Me and Tim got into a fight again--not him really but when he makes me mad i go into that silent mode that i hate yet cant help when it happens.But he was saying somethin like 'dont you think you got enough gifts for your already?(this was the response i got when i asked to go to the store last night,lol)That just does piss me off because they get nothing from their Dad or his family..my family is the dysfunctional family from hell..so they dont have anything there...so i am the only one to get them anything and ive just been incredibly fortunate the last few years to be able to have $$ not to worry about it.I had to get them boots because we live in the country now pretty much and it was time.But at least i was respectful and i told Tim that i wasnt going to put their gifts under the tree because it would maybe make his upset,so i have them wrapped in our bedroom.I have cards for the and stepdaughter with money in,so its not like i am ignoring them,ya know? Its been snowing here for the past few days and damn it shouldve waited til NEXT Thursday cause if it snows 5 inches between 12 AM Christmas Eve til 12 AM Christmas Day i get the $500+ back that i paid for the new stove we bought,lol.So yea..just my luck it hits us this week instead of next. Ya know im a Big Earl fan and believed in Karma before i ever saw the show,lol...but i was crying the other day trying to think what the heck that id ever done to have this year be the worst one that ive ever had.Not that i really believe that if i give of myself that it will come back tenfold,but God still.I know that i did some horrifically stupid things in my drinking days,but they were things that just hurt me,i never picked fights or tried to still someones guy or somethin like that,i actually was a sentimental alkie. I DID hurt my gram then when she would care for them when i was drowning in the bottle..and i regret that to this day even though she understood and never loved me any less.And i try and i tried every day to make up for it a little,all she wanted really was for me to not drink anymore..she knew it was hard and she told me that she had faith in me(Id NEVER heard that said about me in my whole life)and that got me to thinking.That if i kept up with the drinking that i would lose my boys and while gram would never stop loving me,i would see the hurt in her eyes and i couldnt do that to her anymore.Ive been sober now for a little over 16 months and i know thats not a really long time,it is for me because i was one of those drinkers that drank til the bottle was gone,or if i had a big bottle,id make sure i had enough for the next day in case i couldnt make it to the bar or the liquor store.I dont know how many of you have ever seen Leaving Las Vegas but that whole movie just pretty much was me...i did EVERYTHING that he did in that movie and i cant even watch it now. Agh,enough booze talkin,we all know bout that by now anyways,lol Tomorrow is December 20.Just another day to probably 99.98% of everyone,BUT its David Cooks Bday,hehe...so of course i had to mention that one..being as hes pretty much my fave singer,ceptin for Bono,and i STILL listen more to DC than my U2,lol..not sure whats up with that one.AND im still a little peeved that they still havent set a Pittsburgh date,and i dont think they are going to,this would be the 1st time that they didnt make a PGH stop.Dang it anyways.BUT Happy Early Bday David-i adore you!! Ok..ive rambled on about other stuff for so long that i wanna talk about my gram a little,hell maybe a lot..lol.. She had been doing pretty well recovering from her stroke in March,i knew that it'd be awhile before she could go home..in fact i knew that she more than likely wouldnt be able to go home home,that she and my pap would have to go to assisted living and id been lookiing into that off and on because she was having trouble affording where they were at but that was ok-even though the center pissed me off-i really only once got flack from not paying one month.And that was because he thought that i was stealing from them. But(and she never EVER told me this and i wish that she would have )She'd had a gyn exam and said that eveything was ok..and then she would say that she had something to tell me..but it always seemed like the time never came.But last weekend i think it was,cant really remember cause the days go to quickly and half the time i cant remember what day it is..that she was bleeding vaginally and they took her to the hospital to found out why,because even though she'd been prone to yeast infections(sorry guys)there wasnt really anything they could think would cause her to bleed,and at the same time,she was filling up with fluid because her potassium levels were sky high,causing her kidneys to not work well.They took her to Magee Hosp in Pgh,and found out that in addition to the fluid build up,and the lesion on her cervix,that they thought she had a tumor on the outside of her liver,but they want her to try to get healthier so that she could get radiation..but they are bringing her closer to home because none of the family live in PGH and least we can see her somewhat..i havent been able to even call her cause i have her cell and shes been in pain and couldnt talk too long,but she told me 'i love you angel pet and i miss you too' that made me feel good.But with this snow-dont know when shes to be closer.I went down to the rehad center and saw my grandpap and while most of my readers know how he hurt me,when i looked at his sad and red eyes it was all i could do to not cry myself.We talked some(it was before i knew that gram was moving closer)and weve both been praying everyday and i know that sooooo many of you guys have sent your prayers and thats just so beautiful of a thing to do,and i thank you a million times.Its not the best of news that she sould have recieved but its also not the worst.But if the worst comes me being her POA,i do not know if i can make the choice to let her go.Shes my world..but if shes just going to be in pain and incontenent and cant take it anymore,i HAVE to make that decision and it will kill part of me that cant EVER EVER be fixed.My Mom said that she was talking to Tim and that he had tears in his eyes because he didnt know how to help me.Honestly the only thing that would help me is that she would recover at least halfway to how she was before.Her Drs in PGH and in Greens burg are awesome and yet they wont lie to us and while they said she was weak,that no one has a thought that will pass away unless something comes up unexpected.So that kinda made me feel better,i just wanna see her and hold her and not let go..you know.And maybe get to see a few football games with her..cept NOT the Steelers-- well.maybe a little--but we are more into Favre now,funny thing is that we'd never really spoken of him and found out not too long ago that we both really liked him.Myself it was after he came back from his first 'retirement'but shes been a fan forever..lol. Im trying to stay upbeat,because i have my Mom to deal with too,, with HER cancer,it blows my mind.Thats hard to even try to think about.I bought them both Christmas stuff--not a lot of expensive things for gram because i didnt want anything to get stolen from her room(member a few posts back when someone stole a pack of razors and candy that was for my grandpap?So i dont trust leaving anything of value there.Im working on making her a collage of a lot of her fave things,thats time comsuming so far i only have me and the and Troy and Ben from the Steelers and House,so i need to get some angels and she loves owls,and some flowers and get it looking good so that she can see some of her favorite thing s when we cant be there with her. If you dont mind,maybe a little prayer again(im sorry again for asking)will pull her through and give her more of a chance,ya know Im soooo horrible at commenting on your comments,its just hard,but i want you to know that i thank you guys so much and you already know i love ya... If i dont getback on before Christmas(I will try though)i hope that you all have a wonderful and beautiful Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year,ok?Please use a DD if your gonna drink.. OOps,yea this is my 600th post.I know that the thingie says 601-- but i hid a few awhile back,lol.Never thought id make 2 or 300 posts,but somehow i did,hehe.I am gonna take a teeny tiny break though...just til things get situated here and i find out more about gram. Personally to my sis ErrBear PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to get some help with your drinking or it will kill you.You yourself saw the hell i went through for years and i dont wanna lose you,i love you.. I have to post this song both for me and my gram and its in my top 2 U2 faves ever,lol.But it touches me and her on so many levels. (BAD)U2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you twist and turn away If you tear yourself in two again If I could, yes I would If I could, I would Let it go Surrender Dislocate If I could throw this Lifeless lifeline to the wind Leave this heart of clay See you walk, walk away Into the night And through the rain Into the half-light And through the flame If I could through myself Set your spirit free I'd lead your heart away See you break, break away Into the light And to the day To let it go And so to fade away To let it go And so fade away I'm wide awake I'm wide awake Wide awake I'm not sleeping Oh, no, no, no If you should ask then maybe they'd Tell you what I would say True colors fly in blue and black Bruised silken sky and burning flag Colors crash, collide in blood shot eyes If I could, you know I would If I could, I would Let it go... This desparation Dislocation Separation Condemnation Revelation In temptation Isolation Desolation Let it go And so fade away To let it go And so fade away To let it go And so to fade away I'm wide awake I'm wide awake Wide awake I'm not sleeping Oh, no, no, no ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love you guys and Merry Christmas  She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2) |
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12/20/2009 7:47 pm |
Thanks for the update. Your Steelers won an unbelievable game today. You always buy too much for you kids...ha ha...we went a little all out this year (see my blog for details). Hang in there and happy holidays. I'm approaching 400 for this one (had 500+ for Northvike...)
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Thanks for the update. Your Steelers won an unbelievable game today. You always buy too much for you kids...ha ha...we went a little all out this year (see my blog for details). Hang in there and happy holidays. I'm approaching 400 for this one (had 500+ for Northvike...) youre welcome.And yes what a game...i was alternately getting pissed at Ben and at one point walked away,was too much,lol. But it felt so good with this win..and Ben was awesome,jeeez 500 yds! I watched the Vikes game too and that one pretty much bummed me out even though they are already in the playoffs.Hell,it will take a huge miracle for the Steelers to even make the playoffs,i dont see it.Ah well,next year maybe..lol I know...i did get too much i think for the kiddos this year but ya know..couple reasons were in my head-one with both my mom and my gram being sick i needed to get things to try to take their minds off of it,and like i said in the post,lol..i am the only one who will get my kiddos anything.But i am cutting back,basically im done shopping but part of me wants to buy more--i dont know what the hell is wrong with me cause i HATE shopping,hehe thanks babe and Happy Holidays to you and the family She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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Thanx for the update(s). I'll continue praying for y'all. Don't worry about commenting/replying to comments. We know you're busy. Who isn't busy the week before Christmas.  Have a Merry Christmas!  
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Thanx for the update(s). I'll continue praying for y'all. Don't worry about commenting/replying to comments. We know you're busy. Who isn't busy the week before Christmas. Have a Merry Christmas! and be safe.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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thanks ambam..was good to see you tonight and i miss you.Im happy that you are doing better.LOVE YOU! She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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12/27/2009 8:12 pm |
DC ROCKS ASS!!!   Hi ya sweetie I have soooo deeply missed you! I am back for a while, many things changed and happened since I've been on here. Don't worry, all good stuff  I'm late on saying this, but I don't give a fricks azz~ ~Merry Christmas Sweetie~ I love you n miss you whole cherry bunches friendships is like a diamond, always forever   
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DC ROCKS ASS!!! Hi ya sweetie I have soooo deeply missed you! I am back for a while, many things changed and happened since I've been on here. Don't worry, all good stuff I'm late on saying this, but I don't give a fricks azz~ ~Merry Christmas Sweetie~ I love you n miss you whole cherry bunches myspace..god,lol.But ive been going through such horrific times most of this year,ive so far behind with everyone.Still am with some,lol Hope you had a great holiday and me loves you tooooo.. PS..hehe,dont stay away so long again,unless i can keep your other info in my head,lol ~erin~ She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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12/28/2009 7:51 am |
lol i know what ya mean and I won't be gone so long. I'll catch up with ya, don't worry. friendships is like a diamond, always forever
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