Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > rm_bonogirl1 > Enigma |
'Jeeeeeez..ANOTHER Birthday...lol and ranting and raving'
|
'Jeeeeeez..ANOTHER Birthday...lol and ranting and raving' Im thinking that im officially old now,hehe.Kiddo #1,Mikey is now 20(if its after midnight,lol)Not too sure im feeeling happy bout having a who's not a anymore,lol. Ive been gone from here for so long,i dont even know where to even start from.But its been a weird and stupid and sad time.I still find it hard missing my gram everyday,i know that it will get a lil easier as time goes by,but it still hurts now.Maybe i should have not counted on her so much--but i cant help that cause she is the one who loved me no matter what,as i did her.And its only been 6 weeks,so i cant expect myself to just heal overnight.I even did think that i should see a therapist,but with my bad prior experi- ences with a few,im not sure that i wanna do that,but at least i have that option if i need it.This is gonna sound weird maybe to some of ya,but i dont WANT to forget my gram(like with both of my uncles,i remember them,but its like i cant remember their voices all that well,little dumb things i cant remember)So hopefully soon as i can get a little bit more understanding maybe is the word..i can think back and remember the good times with my gram.When i think of them now it just makes me cry and so i try to push the thoughts outta my head or i just sit and cry.Thats all i did for the first week that passed.But its very very very slowly getting a little better,thats probably the best i can hope for right now. And i know she loved me with all her heart and she wouldnt want me to just be a zombie.So sometimes i gotta kick my own ass in gear to get moving,lol.And the few minutes that i was alone with her at the funeral home(before they were getting antsy to close)i just drank her image in-she looked beautiful-and told her that she was my hero and my rock and that i hoped that she would kinda be my guardian angel.Our words to each other for the past 2 years were 'permanent',from the DC song and when id say that to her she knew i was and when she'd say that to me,i knew she was.I still miss her though and would give almost anything to have her back.But it just wasnt God's plan,and while i dont understand now,i hope that i will someday. Can someone stop this damn snow????Enough already,lol.I swear i think that its snowed EVERY weekend except the weekend that id get the cash i paid for my new stove back.But noooooo....thats the kind of luck ive been having,lol Damn Superbowl...i actually had no interest in it,fell asleep at the start of the 3rd quarter.I really wanted Minnesota in it,and when i didnt get that,i figured fuck that,i wont watch it at all. And while i have The Who on my do not play list,hehe..they did a fair job.Not nearly as good as Bruuuuce or U2 though... Ahh..a day after the Superbowl...i had to go to the hospital for ME..and i hated that.Turned out that i had a deep vein clot,they wouldnt even let me take the stairs to my room(and im claustrophob ic as hell.They hurried up and stuck an IV in,here i was just want ing to go home,and i had to stay.I tried to tell the nurses that i was having a hard hard time,that my gram had passed away just a few weeks earlier in the room almost directly across from me.And i was so worried about my -that they knew that Mammy had passed away at that same hospital,and i had Tim go back home and get at least one of them so that they could see that i was ok,that id be home in a day or two.That made me feel better a little,and i think i slept from 9pm til bout 230 AM and i was ready to go then,lol.But of course no one else was ready for me to go,they had the IV drip soooo slow it seemed to take 12 hours for it to empty. Luckily my old doctor was there and he told me that if my regular insurance would cover it,that i could get the Heparin injections to give myself twice a day.I yanked out the needle in my arm and said ok..im getting dressed now,lol.Mind you...id only ever given one shot before in my life and that was to my gram last year,an insulin shot and i was paranoid then,lol.But thats how bad that i had to get out of that hospital.That was 10 days ago,and i had my follow up with a Dr who apparently treated me(dont remember and hell he was kinda cute,hehe)and he checked me over,i thought and i still think that they should have done another ultrasound to see for sure that the clot was gone,but he didnt.He talked a lot about stress,and some of the problems that stress causes,and i told him i was under a huge amount of stress with my gram being sick and then passing away,my mom having cancer...i mean im just a bubbling over mass of stress,lol.Hell thats why i take meds,even then they dont work all the time.He asked me the dreaded question' do i smoke?'..and i couldnt lie,had to tell him that i still do even though im trying to cut back.But the reason he asked me was that if i didnt quit smoking id have to keep on taking the shots.Sooo i think im going to give it a try again cause im getting bruised all over my stomach.Good God,it seems like its always something with me...but im ok,i think..lol Been watching a little Idol...and well,i dont think theres more than 2 guys i like and 1 girl...of course the one guy is the long haired blonde Casey,lol....but no one has made really any kind of impression on me.I was going through DC withdrawl and had to go back and watch his audition and Hollywood week and all that good shit,he's such aah....well hottie will work for now,hehe. And omg...Daughtry with hair..hehe,me likey. Someone needs to give House back his meds...lol.Course i still watch it,but yea,i kinda miss the medicated House.This whole year of House has been off and on.Some weeks are excellent..but half of the shows arent worth wasting time,specially last weeks one where it was like the Cuddy Show or something.For some reason,being as i have watched the damn show from the 1st one,i wanted House and Cameron to hook up,hehe.And that frigging School Reunion show,omg that year wasnt to far from when i was in school and its so damn fake i couldnt make it past the 5 mins i did see.Ive been stuck in the house for days it seems and either have been reading or else watching crappy tv to pass the time.Im not working,and im actually doing better than when i was financially,but it makes for long periods of time with nothing to do.Soooo i did Tims taxes last night and got him almost $1000 more than he got in his refund last year,and i was like will you give me a little bit of the 1000s ive given to you?Hell id have settled for $500,thats only a tenth or so of his refund,and he said no.I said FINE then....i hope that you get audited,lol. Ya know,i tend to watch a good bit of news,even just to put it on because i cant stand silence,and lately ive been watching that HLN network,with Nancy Grace and Jane Valez Mitchell,and good Lord what the hell is wrong with people these days?I dont really think that theres a massive amount of crime,its just that with cell phone cams and paparazzi and all that shit,it gets shoved in your face 24/7.But that Misty Croslin bitch,and her whining and bitchin about being stuck in jail,youd think she'd crack under the pressure.Hasnt yet,but there isnt much doubt in my mind that she is involved with Haleigh's missing.Same with that Anthony bitch... they both deserve whatever they get.. I was at the store the other day getting somethings while we were out in case we got snowed in again,and was looking at cakes and stuff for Mikey.He didnt want an ice cream cake.Didnt want me to buy him a premade one.Sooo,now i gotta get up early and make his cake,lol.I did tell him that he wasnt getting a whole mess of candles,in fact i bought a 2 one and a 0 one,lol...much easier that way.Soooo Michael if you are reading this(you better not be, lol)Happy Bday little one and i love you always. God,im such a dumb blonde,i bought two Valentine cards for Tim and i cannot find either one of them.And ive looked everywhere that i can think of...ill probably find them in July or something,lol. I better get moving,gotta get my shot and i think ill bake Mikes cake tonight and fix it up for him tomorrow.I wanted to take him out for dinner,that all depends on the weather i spose.But i wont be as long between posts as i have been,there were quite a few days when i logged in and wanted to write and then i just couldnt do it.So ill be around to all your blogs too...seems like i lost quite a few readers,but i love the ones i have... Stay warm and if you can snuggle up with someone,ill be with the electric blanket til Tim gets home in the AM,lol. Love ya guys  She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2) |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
lol....so true.And Casey has a yummy presence,i cheated and looked at the spoilers and saw he made it,i just couldnt help myself,lol Course no one will top DC for me ever.Im such a dingbat,lol. Thanks sweeties... She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Hey there hun, good to see you back. We all grieve in our own way so just take your time hun. Your gram will live on forever in your heart. At least she is no longer in pain and I am sure she will be watching over you all. Take care hun  Linda xxx
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Don't rush the grieving process. For as close as you were to your gram it's only natural to miss her as you do. IF you don't want to see a therapist maybe a grief support group would be helpful to you. It's good to remember the good times with her. Sorry to hear about your clot!!!  I'm glad you were able to get treated. I hope it's all cleared up. I'm surprised the Dr. didn't do another ultrasound to verify that.I'm tired of the snow. I heard from an elderly female customer at work, who follows the Almanac, that we're to get more over the next few weeks. At this rate I'm wondering IF the spring soccer season will be able to start on time.Take care! Stay warm! 
|
Become a member to create a blog
