Daily Dose of Humor For SUN-Mar-25-2007
|
Posted:Mar 25, 2007 2:31 pm
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2007 9:57 am
2989 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor For SUN-Mar-25-2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e
______________________
A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he
gets there, he
has trouble finding a seat. Because pieces of him
are peeling and
flaking off, he's very concerned about grossing
out the other
fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking
for a seat where
his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone.
Finally, he finds
an open seat where he might be able to watch the
game. He asks
the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay
to sit there.
The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up,
and watch the
game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I
have leprosy. If
it disturbs you, I'll move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch
the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man
suddenly vomits.
Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered
everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank
you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my
appearance has
caused you to get sick. I'll find another place
to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch
the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth
inning, the man
begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile
vomitus. A
powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out
from the man's
mouth and nose until his stomach is completely
emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank
you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but it's obvious that my
appearance has
caused you to get sick. I'll find another place
to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you.... Just sit down, shut up,
and watch the
game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the
seventh inning, the
man begins to vomit again. This time it is the
dry heaves. The
leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this
man suffering.
And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is
making you so
sick, than what is it?"
"It's that guy behind you... He keeps dipping his
nachos in your
back!"
______________________
These two ladies were avid anglers who often went
fishing
together. One of the ladies was much more
successful and
invariably would catch more fish from her side of
the boat.
One day, in frustration, the other lady asked her
for her secret.
She responded, "Before I get out of bed I look
under the covers
at my husband's penis. If it is laying over to
the left, I fish
off the left side of the boat. If it is laying to
the right I
fish off the right side of the boat."
Her partner then asked, "What if it is standing
straight up?"
She replied, "I don't go fishing that day!"
______________________
MORNING SEX She was in the kitchen preparing to
boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned
and said, You've got to make love to me this very
moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is
my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he
embraced her and then gave it his all; right
there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said,
"Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a
little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
______________________
A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas
comes up to him
and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship,
you can't
bring your in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a
Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in
the same way
that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round
its neck this
has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!". "Woof!" says the
dog, stands
on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out
a kipa and
puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis
bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his
neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis
bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely
amazing,
incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get
him on
television, get him in the movies, you could make
a million
dollars off of him!!" "You speak to him," says
the man, "He
wants to be a doctor."
______________________
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to
Mars. Only
one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't
return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how
much he wanted
to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he
answered,
"because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same
question. He
asked for two million. "I want to give a million
to my family,"
he explained, "and leave the other million for
the advancement
of medical research." The last applicant was a
lawyer. When
asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in
the
interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the
interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million,
I'll give you
$1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send
the engineer."
______________________
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing."
______________________
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:……
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
*Have you ever asked your a question too many times? My three-year-old had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old , and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.
______________________
______________________
The following are real statements found on
insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize
the details of an accident succinctly.
* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and
collided with a tree I don't have.
* I thought my window was down, but found it
was up when I put my arm through it.
* The other car collided with mine without
giving warning of its intentions.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to
swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road,
glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the
embankment.
* In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a
telephone pole.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and
was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a
hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did
not see the other car.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was
attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck
the front end.
* I was thrown from the car as it left the
road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray
cows.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a
little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell
asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I was on my way to the doctor with rear end
trouble when my universal joint gave way causing
me to have an accident.
* As I approached the intersection a sign
suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had
ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the
bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into
the other vehicle.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck
my car and vanished.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but
upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured
skull.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it
to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to
run, so I ran over him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two patients limp into two different medical
clinics with the same complaint. Both have
trouble
walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for
surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting
a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen
weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
which isn't reviewed for another month and
finally
has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.
Why the different treatment for the two
patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is
a Senior Citizen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of
shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a
fitness club and start exercising. I decided to
take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got
my leotards on, the class was over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about
being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nice thing about being senile is you can
hide your own Easter eggs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees.
fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take
40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85
or
92. Have lost all my friends. But, thankfully, I
still have my driver's license.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Mar-23-2007
|
Posted:Mar 23, 2007 9:22 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2976 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Mar-23-2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's
______________________
Play Your Age
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
______________________
An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in
Texas.
Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys
them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything
different about me?' Ester looks him over,
'Nope.'
Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom,
undresses, and walks back into the room completely
naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'
Ester looks up and says, 'Rusty, what's
different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down
yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow.'
Furious, Rusty yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
HANGING DOWN, Ester?' 'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Ester replies...'Shoulda bought a hat,
Rusty. Shoulda bought a hat.'
______________________
A local newspaper (in England) ran a
competition asking for a rhyme with the most
romantic first line... But the least romantic
second
line.
Here are some of the entries they received.
*********
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe " go to hell"
*********
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
*********
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
*********
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
*********
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
*********
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies !
*********
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
*********
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
______________________
One day, these 2 men come accross a mine shaft.
One guy says, I wonder how deep this mine shaft
is?" The other guy says, " I don't know. Let's find
out"
So they find a rock, and they toss it into the
mine shaft. They didn't hear anything, so they
grabbed a larger rock and tossed it into the shaft.
Still hearing nothing, they decide to throw in a
railroad tie from nearby railroad tracks. They
tosss it in, but still, they can't hear anything hit
the botom.
Suddenly, a goat runs past them and jumps into
the mine shaft!.
A third guy comes along and says, "Have either of
you seen my goat?" One of the other guys says,
"Yes actually we have. One just rtan past us and
jumpped into that mine shaft over there."
The third guy says, "Oh no... That couldn't have
been mine. Mine was tied to a railroad tie."
______________________
A teacher was reviewing her class's homework
assignment. She
asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what
part of the human
body enlarges to seven times its original size
when stimulated.
Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said,
"Well, I think I
know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell
the class what
part of the human body enlarges to seven times
its size when
stimulated."
Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye
enlarges to seven
times its original size when stimulated by
light."
The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny."
Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first
of all, you
didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty
mind. And
third, when you get married, you're in for a big
disappointment."
______________________
A gynecologist wants a change of pace so she
decides to become a
mechanic. After two weeks' training, there's a
test. Each student
in the class is required to take apart an engine,
and put it back
together again.
When the results come back, another student sees
the gyno's grade
and complains,
"How did she get a 150% if 100% is a perfect
score?"
"Well," the teacher says, "you got 50 points for
taking the
engine apart and 50 for putting it back together
again."
"So, how did she get 150?"
"Well, she took it apart right, so there's 50,
she put it back
together right, another 50. But, she got an extra
fifty for doing
it all through the muffler."
______________________
A ventriloquist is walking in the country, when
he comes upon a
farmer and his standing at the side of the
road. He stops and
they exchange greetings. The ventriloquist is
bored from walking
alone for so long, so he decides to have a little
fun with the
farmer.
"Would you mind if I spoke with your dog?" he
asks the farmer.
"Are you stupid or somethin'?" the farmer says
incredulously,
"Dogs can't talk!"
"Well, I'll give it a shot anyway," the
ventriloquist replies.
He bends down by the and says, "How ya doin'
there, dog?" He
then does the voice of the without moving his
lips and says
"Oh, I'm doin' fine."
The farmer is flabbergasted. The ventriloquist
proceeds to have a
pretend conversation with the dog, asking him how
the farmer
treats him, where they go for walks, etc. When
he's finished,
they walk up the path to the farm and go to the
stables.
"Mind if I talk to your ?" the ventriloquist
asks.
"You can talk to horses, too? Well, shoot, I
guess I don't
mind..." answers the farmer.
Again, the ventriloquist has a conversation with
the animal,
asking him how often the farmer takes him out
riding, how often
he is fed, etc. Then they walk out of the stable
towards the
fields. The ventriloquist spies a herd of sheep
in the pasture.
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" he asks.
The farmer turns bright red and stammers, "Them
sheep ain't
nothing but liars, every single one of 'em!!!"
______________________
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Tue-20-2007
|
Posted:Mar 19, 2007 9:29 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2903 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Tue-20-2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's
______________________
_____________________
Food For Thought
I once heard two women going on and on about the
pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to
know what real pain is. I asked if either of them
ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
______________________
A blonde and brunette were watching the 11
o'clock news. The news
was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet
you $50 the man
is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives
the brunette
$50.
The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this
money. I watched
the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I
watched the 5
o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do
it again."
______________________
It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They
honk the horn in
front of his house and he comes running out.
He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears
a grunt and the
sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He
turns around
and there she is, scowling at him.
He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe,
bends over,
kisses her on the privates, runs back down the
walk and hops in
the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until
Walter, the driver,
has to ask,
"Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you
kiss her down
there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in
the morning."
______________________
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled
up at a
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the
necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him
have a turn,
considering that his inebriated state would
endanger the public.
But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of
the target and
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three
times. The booth
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished
to see that he
had scored three bulls eyes. The star prize for
the evening was a
large set of glassware, but the showman was
certain that the
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave
him instead a
consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered
off into the
crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk
than before.
Once again the showman demurred, but once again
the drunk
insisted, and once more scored three bulls eyes
and was given
another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted
on a third
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved
it around in the
general direction of the target, and pulled the
trigger three
times. Once more he had scored three bulls eyes.
But this time
there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he
scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of
going over to the
target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is
fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star
prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware."
"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk
replied. "Give me
another one of those crusty meat pies."
_______________________________________
An Irishman's been at the pub all night drinking.
The bartender
finally says that the bar is closed. So the guy
stands up to
leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh
air and maybe
that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up
and falls flat
on his face.
So he crawls all the way home and at the door
stands up and again
falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his
bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he manages to
pull himself upright but he quickly falls right
into bed and is
sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing
over him
shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"And what makes you say that?" He asks as he puts
on his best
innocent face.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there
again."
______________________
Politness
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
______________________
Day Off
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
______________________
Well thats it for today
thank's for stopping bye
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
t o d a y 's j o k e's for Sat Mar 17-2007
|
Posted:Mar 17, 2007 5:45 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2007 6:43 am
3227 Views
|
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's
______________________
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The
doctor took one
look at the woman and all his professionalism
flew out the
window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her
thigh. While
doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am
doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for
abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to
fondle her
breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he
asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps
which might indicate
breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he
mounted his
patient and started having sexual intercourse
with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is
why I came here
in the first place."
___________________
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans
on racing next
season, but when he gets her home, his old
stallion smells her
and wants her and starts kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because
she won't be able
to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him
to tie a bed
sheet around the filly's rump to keep the
stallion away. So that
day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral
to make sure the
vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere
to be found. The
farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's
farm, and sees
the neighbor's out by their barn.
"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a
filly run by
with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
The replies, "No sir, but one dashed past
here early this
morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her
ass."
______________________
These two guys had both just gone through ugly
divorces and they
swore they would never have anything to do with
women again. They
were best friends and they decided to move up to
Alaska as far
north as they could go and never look at a woman
again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store
and told him,
"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one
year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of
each one's
supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with
fur around the
hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there
are no women and
you might need this."
They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for
life! Women are
nothing but trouble."
The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you,
and if you
don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
The following year this guy came into the
trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one
year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year
with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him." said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board!"
______________________
Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles
of the Amazon
searching for new plant life when they are
captured by a tribe of
cannibals. They are taken back to the village to
be tried by the
chief. The chief stares at the white men and is
about to give the
usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he
gets an idea.
"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you
can go out into
the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10
identical
pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they
hear this so
off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.
Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10
peaches and
proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks
at the fruit
and tells him that he will let him go if he can
shove all 10
pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing
his
facialexpression.
He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen
so he starts to
shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in
he lets out an
agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly
gives the order to
kill him.
10 minutes later the second guy comes back and
sees his friend
lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him
and tell him to
open his hands for the chief. In his hands he
holds 10 identical
berries. When the chief gives the same orders he
is visibly
relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up
his rear end.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9... and suddenly
the guy busts
out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again
gives the order to
kill the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing
what had just
happened. "You only had one more berry to shove
up and you were
home free! Why did you start laughing?"
"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred
coming down the
path with 10 pineapples!
______________________
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis."
______________________
Redneck Sex Test:
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False
______________________
Little Johnny's New Word
Dirty Johnny and his friends were enrolled in sex education. During the lecture, the teacher kept referring to a "penis". It was "penis" this and "penis" that. The class behaved as if it understood.
Immediately following class, all the students gathered around Dirty Johnny. "Johnny, what's a penis?" Nobody had a clue. Dirty Johnny said he would ask his Dad when he got home.
When Dirty Johnny got home, his Dad was there. "Dad, what's a 'penis'?" His father unzips his pants, shows Johnny his dick and says, "This is a perfect penis." Johnny replied, "Thanks, Dad. I'll tell my friends tomorrow in school."
The next day, all the students gathered around. "What did your Dad say, Dirty Johnny?" Johnny promptly unzips his pants and shows all his classmates his dick. "This is a penis. And if it were two inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis!"
______________________
Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
______________________
Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my -in-law
And changed my very life.
My was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a ,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my 's .
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!
______________________
Modern Medicine
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing", but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared". The husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn't feel a thing so they went home happy with a pain-free labor. When they got home the couple was suprized to see the mailman dead on the front porch!
______________________
Fast Eddie
Fast Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says,"Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!
The lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Thur Mar-15-2007
|
Posted:Mar 15, 2007 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 16, 2007 4:43 am
2996 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Thur Mar-15-2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's
______________________
Caught In The Act A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the !"
______________________
Too Enthusiastic
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
______________________
Unhappy Pharmacist
Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.
The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.
Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:
"Your house."
______________________
The story behind this joke:... There's this
nutball who digs
things out his back yard and sends the stuff he
finds to the
Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with
scientific names,
insisting that they are actual archeological
finds. The really
weird thing about these letters is that this guy
really exists
and does this in his spare time!
Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute
207
Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the
Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline
post. Hominid
skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and
detailed examination,
and regret to inform you that we disagree with
your theory that
it represents "conclusive proof of the presence
of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather,
it appears
that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the
variety one of our staff, who has small ,
believes to
be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to
the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain
that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the
field were loathe to come to contradiction with
your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of
physical
attributes of the specimen which might have
tipped you off to
it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient
hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is
approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of
even the
earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull"
is more
consistent with the common domesticated than
it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you
speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is
certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have
submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too
much detail,
let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie
doll that a dog
has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that
we must deny
your request to have the specimen carbon dated.
This is
partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear
in it's
normal operation, and partly due to carbon
dating's notorious
inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of
our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD,
and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate
results. Sadly, we must also deny your request
that we approach
the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny
Department with the
concept of assigning your specimen the scientific
name
"Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for
one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed
taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the species
name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't
really sound like
it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous
of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is
undoubtedly not
a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another
riveting
example of the great body of work you seem to
accumulate here
so effortlessly. You should know that our
Director has reserved
a special shelf in his own office for the display
of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the
Institution, and
the entire staff speculates daily on what you
will happen upon
next in your digs at the site you have discovered
in your back
yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our
nation's capital
that you proposed in your last letter, and
several of us are
pressing the Director to pay for it. We are
particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding
the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous
ions in a
structural matrix" that makes the excellent
juvenile
Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
______________________
You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...
.....Tech Support calls "You" for help.
.....Someone at work
tells you a joke and you say LOL .....You have
called out
someone's screen name while making love to your
significant
other. .....You keep begging your friends to get
an account so
"we can hang out" .....you have to get a second
phone line just
so you can call Domino's .....you've ever typed
"drinking on
AOL is better than drinking alone" .....you have
a vanity car
tag with your screen name on it .....you no
longer type with
proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete
sentences
.....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of
laughing .....when
someone says "What did you say?" you reply
"Scroll up!"
.....you sneak away to the computer in the middle
of the night
when your spouse is asleep. .....you know more
friends daily routines than you do your own
family's. .....you
lie to others about your time on-line and when
they complain
that your phone was busy you claim it was off the
hook .....you
have an identity crisis if someone else is using
an s/n close
to your own .....you would rather tell people
your bloodshot
eyes are from partying too much instead of the
truth (all night
on-line) .....you're broke, your modem burns out
and you go out
onto the streets to sell your body to get a new
one .....you
marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at
your own
computers and chat to each other every night from
across the
room .....you type messages to people while you
are on the
phone with them at the same time .....you won't
work at a job
that doesn't have a modem involved ....you sign
on and
immediately get 10 messages from people who have
you on their
buddy lists ....you look at an annoying person
off-line and
wish you had your ignore button handy ....you
have withdrawls
if you are away from the computer for more than a
few hours
....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you
still have
one...hehehe) ....your buddy list has over 100
people on it
....you wake up in the morning and the first
thing you do is
get on-line before you have your first cup of
coffee ....you
wait 6 hours online for a certain "special"
person to sign on
....you don't know where the time has gone
....you end
sentences with three (or more) periods while
writing letters in
pen/pencil. ....your relationship online has gone
farther than
any real one you have had ....you get up at 2am
to go the
bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
....you don't
even notice anymore when someone has a typo
....when you enter
a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or
***Kisses***
....you stop typing whole words and use things
like ppl, dunno
and lemme ....your voicemail/answering machine
message is "BRB,
leave your s/n and I will TTYL" ....you type
faster than you
think ....being called a newbie is a *MAJOR*
insult ...you are
on the phone for a minute and need to do
something else you say
"BRB" or "BBL" ....you spend at least 30 minutes
making sure
you say goodbye to everyone in a room ...you've
gone into an
unstaffed tech support room and given tech
support to other
AOLers ....you have to be pryed from your
computer with the
Jaws-of-Life ...you meet people from AOL in
public and have no
idea what their real name is, so you call them by
their screen
name ...your last sexual experience was really
just a "textual"
experience
______________________
That's Hollywood for you..
A salesman is visiting Hollywood California and
checks into a local motel.
As he was checking out the next morning, the desk
clerk noticed that he
looked a bit frazzled.
He asked "Sir was everything O.K. with your
room?"
He angrily replies "Was everything O.K.!!! I get
woke up at 2:00 in the
morning with this huge cowboy sitting on my chest
holding a pistol to my
head who tells me if l don't pleasure him
immediately he's gonna blow my
head off!"
The desk clerk is shocked and asks, "What did you
do?"
The saleman's reply, "Did you hear any shootin'?"
______________________
Thats all for today
Thanks for droping in
Byeeeeeeeeee
______________________
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Mon, 12 Mar 2007
|
Posted:Mar 12, 2007 4:22 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2978 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Mon, 12 Mar 2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's
______________________
The dentist was called away from the dinner table
to take an
urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman,
explaining that young
Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend Corinne, and
when my wife and
I came back from the movies we found them stuck
together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the
dentist calmly,
"and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock
teenagers'
braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
______________________
If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped
(Microsoft)
software:
Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and
I'll be your
Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try
again, maybe the
fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's
the way you're
using the soup; try eating it with a fork
instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is
still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the
bowl; what kind
of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should
work. Maybe it's
a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what
has that to do
with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you
remember everything
you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the
Day! Waiter:
Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day
each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every
hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The
current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine.
Bring me the
tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of
soup and the
check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your
check. Patron:
This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well,
I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . .
$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . .
$2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . .
..........$1.00
______________________
The businessman dragged himself home and barely
made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a
tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look
tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day
today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The
computer broke down and all of us had to do our own
thinking!!!"
______________________
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was
going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left
the light on in the garden shed, which she could
see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the
light but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in
your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that
all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when
available.
George said, "Okay ," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called
you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung
up.
Within five minutes three police cars , an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought
you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
______________________
Ole the Assistant Doctor -
A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off
work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya
Ole, I am going
hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the
clinic. I want you
to take care of the clinic and take care of our
patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Ole. The doctor goes
hunting and returns the
next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"
Ole tells him he
took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache, so I
gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the
second one?" says
the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning,
and I gave him
MAALOX, sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're
good at this and
what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here,
and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters
like a flame.
She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her
panties and lies
down on the table, spread her legs and shouts:
HELP ME! For five
years I have not seen any man!!" And what did you
do Ole?" asks
the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes.".
______________________
How to tell when you are spending too much time
with your
computer:
You start introducing yourself as "lord at
pacbell dot net"
Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to
remind you of what
she looks like
You check your mail. It says "no new messages".
So you check it
again
Your phone bill is delivered in a box
You name your Eudora, Mozilla, and
Dotcom
All of your friends have an @ in their names
You tell the cab driver you live at http://
123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You tell the they can't use the computer
because "Daddy's
got work to do" and you don't have a job.
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed
with Netscape
3.01"
You never have to deal with the busy signals
because you never
log off
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to
replace the chair
in front of your computer with a toilet
You start tilting your head sideways whenever you
smile 
Your spouse says communication is important in a
marriage, so
you buy another computer and install another
phone line so that
the two of you can chat
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a
mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back"
button
Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in
for two hours.
You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and
dial your
Internet access number. You try to mimic computer
noise in
order to connect.
______________________
Y. O. D. A (To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A")
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke
Skywalker).
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now
it's muddy and brown. I said YOUNG MAN, put your
weapon away,
'cause I *MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY* YOUNG
MAN, There's
no need to feel fear. I am WONDERIN', tell me why
are you here?
How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I
say *WARS* *DO*
*NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be
here to see Y.
O. D. A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in
the Force! Do
your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be
here to see Y.
O. D. A Come and get yourself clean! Come and
have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that
smells like a sty, and this TIN CAN started
swimming and then,
he got *SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT*
*PHLEGM* YOUNG MAN,
Welcome to Dagobah. He is COMIN', master Yoda not
far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR*
*I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be
here to see Y.
O. D. A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in
the Force! Do
your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be
here to see Y.
O. D. A Don't just stand in the rain! You're all
covered with
mud! come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't TRAIN
HIM, he's so
reckless you see! Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry
but brave!
Betcha *HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE* YOUNG
MAN, If you
start will you end, or be GOING, off to save all
your friends?
To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT*
*THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A You gotta
stay here with Y.
O. D. A You should stay here and train! You don't
have to save
Han! If you do so, you'll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A. (repeat and
fade).
______________________
well folks thats it for today
thanks for stopping here
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor Sat Mar 10- 2007
|
Posted:Mar 10, 2007 12:12 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2955 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor Sat Mar 10- 2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k es
______________________
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue
intact. He searches
for one but resigns himself to the fact that
every female over
the age of 16 in his town has already been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and
adopts a baby girl
from the orphanage. He raises her until she is
walking and
talking and then sends her away to a monastery
for safekeeping
until marrying age.
After many years she finally reaches maturity and
he retrieves
her from the monastery and marries her. After the
wedding they
make their way back to his house and into the
bedroom where they
both prepare themselves for the consummation.
They lie down together in his bed and he reaches
over for a jar
of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly," she asks him?
"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during
the act of
lovemaking," he replies.
"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like
the monks did?!"
______________________
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car
available: a brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive
car in the world,
and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a
spin and stops
for a red light.
An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years
old) pulls up next
to him. The old man looks over at the sleek,
shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost
half a million
dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why
does it cost so
much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an
hour!" states the
young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look
inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man
pokes his head in
the window and looks around. Then sitting back on
his moped, the
old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all
right ... but I'll
stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to
show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and
within 20 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to
be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be and
suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him,
going much
faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my
Ferrari?!" the young
man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari
up to 250 mph
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old
man on the
moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his
Ferrari he gives it
some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees
the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by
the speed of this
old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the
Ferrari all the way
up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing
down on him
again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's
nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his
Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps
out, and
unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He
runs up to the
mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there
anything I can do
for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath,
"Unhook...my
suspenders from your side-view mirror."
______________________
Who Is The Father
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth never quite looked like the rest of our . Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."
______________________
There is a dangerous vi&us being passed around
electronically, orally, and
by hand.
This v*rus is called
Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your
boss, or anyone else via
any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. It will wipe out your
private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put
your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE)
or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter
(BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been
completely eliminated
from your system.
______________________
One of my fondest memories
As I recall the days of yore
was the little house, behind the house,
With the crescent o'er the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder
With your head all bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there,
If you didn't have to go.
Ours was a multi-holer, three,
With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better,
After your job was done.
You had to make those frequent trips
In snow, rain, sleet, or fog--
To that little house where you usually
Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog.
Oft times in dead of winter,
The seat was spread with snow.
'Twas then with much reluctance,
To that little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat,
Bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd shut your eyes and g rit your teeth
As you settled on your rear.
I recall the day Ol' Granddad,
Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip out to that little house
Which proved to be a bummer.
'Twas the same day that my Dad had
Finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made
With rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags down in the hole
Went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so
He'd eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call,
I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house
Stays in my memory yet.
He sat down on the wooden seat,
With both feet on the floor.
He filled his pipe and tapped it down
And struck a match on the outhouse door.
He lit the pipe and sure enough,
it soon began to glow.
He slowly raised his rear a bit
And tossed the flaming match below.
The Blast that followed, I am told
Was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Granddad
Sprawled out there on the ground.
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth,
His eyes were shut real tight;
The celebrated three-holer
Was blown clear out of sight.
We asked him what had happened,
What he said I'll ne'er forget.
He said he thought it must have been
The pinto beans he et!
Next day we had a new one
Dad put it up with ease.
But this one had a door sign that read:
No Smoking, Please!
Now that's the story's end my friend,
Of memories long ago,
When we went to the house behind the house,
because we had to go.
______________________
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor FOR Fri Mar 09- 2007
|
Posted:Mar 9, 2007 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
3012 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor FOR Fri Mar 09- 2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k es
______________________
The Heavy Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to
think at parties
now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one
thought led
to another, and soon I was more than just a
social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told
myself - but I knew
it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more
important to me,
and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking
and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could
read Thoreau
and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
and confused,
asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home either. One
evening I had
turned off the TV and asked my wife about the
meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One
day the boss
called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and
it hurts me to
say this, but your thinking has become a real
problem. If you
don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to
find another
job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the
boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I
want a
divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as
much as college professors, and college
professors don't make
any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't
have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently,
and she began
to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the
library," I snarled
as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some
Nietzsche, with
a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the
parking lot and
ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't
open. The library
was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was
looking out for
me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling
glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my
eye. "Friend, is
heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You
probably
recognize that line. It comes from the standard
Thinker's
Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering
thinker. I
never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch
a
non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's." Then we
share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last
meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better
at home. Life
just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I
stopped thinking.
______________________
Team Work
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
______________________
More Uses
A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
______________________
A priest and a nun are on their way home from a
convention when
suddenly, their car dies.
The priest says to the nun "Well Sister, I'm
afraid we are going
to have to go to a hotel for the night."
The nun just smiles, and says, " OK, Father."
They arrive at the hotel to find that there is
only one room
available. The priest says 'Well Sister, I'm
afraid we are going
to have to share a room. I'm sure that under the
circumstances,
God won't mind. You sleep in the bed and I'll
sleep on the
couch."
The nun just smiles and says, "OK, Father."
They check into the room and prepare for bed, the
priest on the
couch, and the nun in the bed. The priest turns
out the lights
and goes to sleep.
Ten minutes later the nun says, "Father, I'm
cold."
The priest says, "OK Sister, I'll get you an
extra blanket." He
gets her a blanket and goes back to sleep.
Ten minutes later, the nun says, "Father, I'm
STILL cold." So the
priest gets up, gets her another blanket, and
goes back to sleep
again.
Ten minutes later, the nun says, "Father, I'm
VERY cold. You
don't suppose that, under the circumstances, God
would mind if we
acted like husband and wife for just one night?"
The priest answered, " No. I don't suppose he
would - GET YOUR
OWN DAMN BLANKET! "
______________________
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a
night with "the
boys." I told the misses that I would be home by
midnight...
promise!
Well the hours passed and the beer was going down
way too easy.
At around two thirty A.M. drunk as a skunk, I
headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in
the hall started
up, and cuckooed three times. Quickly I realized
she'd probably
wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was
really proud of
myself, having a quick and witty solution to
escape a possible
conflict, even when smashed.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in
and I told her
12 o'clock. she didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with
that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo
clock. When I asked
her why, she said
"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said oh fuck,
cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed
twice more and then farted.
______________________
A local man was found dead in his home in
Brooklyn, NY, this
weekend.
Detectives at the scene, found the man face down
in his bath tub.
The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes
and the
deceased had a banana protruding from his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
______________________
Roy Rogers and Trigger wended their way home
after a most
satisfying day at work tending the boundary
fences on Roy's large
spread. About a mile from the homestead Roy
noticed a trail of
dust rising from the trail that led from home to
the main gate.
As he approached, he saw that it was a large
squad of cavalry
soldiers led by Major Ted. As he came up to the
column of troops
Major Ted called, "Whoa!" and addressed the
famous cowboy.
"Good evening, Mr. Rogers," he said.
"Good evening, Major," replied Roy Rogers.
"Are you' heading home, Sir?" asked the Major.
"I am indeed, yessir, I'm looking forward to a
real meal.'"
"Just before you go, Mr. Rogers, I'm afraid I
have some bad news
for you."
"Like what, Major?"
"Well, sir, the Indians have been on the rampage
over at your
homestead."
"My God! I'd better get over there right away!"
"Just a minute Roy, there's more. There's not
much left of your
house I'm afraid"
"That's terrible, I've got to get home to my
family"
"Hold on Roy, there's more. I'm afraid they
scalped your five
and appear to have the girls
beforehand."
"Those savages!! I've got to get home to my wife,
she must be
beside herself with grief!"
"Wait Roy, I'm sorry but there's more. They also
your wife
and mother before killing them. All the cattle
are gone and they
put an arrow through your Bullet. Most of the
village is
burned to the ground and they put poison in your
water supply."
"Oh my God! This is the worst day of my life! But
still, I'd
better get over there and see if there's anything
at all I can
do"
"Hold on, Roy - there's just one more thing . .
."
"Yes Major?"
"Before you go. How's about a little song for the
boys?"
______________________
One from the archives..
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an
American in an overseas
flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes
and she told me how much
she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six
times," the Italian responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet
and told me she could
never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman
smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last
night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
Don't stop."
______________________
Men who are bald at the front of their heads
are good thinkers. Men who are bald at the back of
their heads are good lovers. Men who are bald at
front and back think they are good lovers.
______________________
I've got to get to the doctor and renew my
prescription of birth
control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!"
said Rita to Nancy.
"But I thought you said your husband had a
vasectomy," Nancy replied.
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get
pregnant."
______________________
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor Tue Mar 06-2007
|
Posted:Mar 6, 2007 7:19 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2955 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor Tue Mar 06-2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's
______________________
A reporter goes to a mental institution to do a
story. He's
walking around when he sees a man swinging a
baseball bat. He
walks up to him and asks,
"Buddy, What the heck are you doing?".
The man replies, "I'm Babe Ruth. One more home
run and I'm outta'
here."
The reporter just nods and walks on. He sees
another guy swinging
a golf club on the other side of the room. He
walks over and
says, "Excuse me, but what the heck are you
doing?"
The guy says, "I'm Tiger Woods. One more hole in
one and I'm
outta' here."
The reporter just nods and walks away. Then he
sees another guy
in the corner with a peanut on the end of his
penis. He goes over
and asks the guy what he thinks he's doing and
the guy replies,
"I'm fucking nuts and I ain't never getting
outta' here!"
______________________
______________________
OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State
Senator John
McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated
Industries
Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the
phone company,
after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding
that McKay had
been having an affair with the lobbyist for the
Sprint
telephone company. (AP) John, that's not what Ma
Bell meant by
"Reach Out and Touch Someone".
______________________
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing
and were just
starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked
down the
fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked:
Whats wrong? Bob
looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his
eyes some, then
apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry,
I always get
emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult
memories for
me.
One of his buddies asked: What happened? What
could have gotten
you so upset?
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then
said in a low
voice, This is where my wife and I were playing
12 years ago
when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right
at this very
hole!
Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have
been
horrible!
Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in
disbelief; It
was worse than that!!!!
Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way
back to the
clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit
the ball, drag
Alice...
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor 3-Mar-2007
|
Posted:Mar 3, 2007 9:20 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2969 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor 3-Mar-2007
Peace And Quiet
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day".
Once upon a time there dwelt, in Fairy Land, a
particularly
beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and
fair of face and
form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed,
because he had,
protruding from his navel, a silver screw.
Verily he could conceal it by adjustment of
doublet and hose, yet
it did sorely trouble him. So that each day he
would go into the
deep dark woods and sit in a glade, staring sadly
at the silver
screw.
Then one day an old crone came through the woods
carrying a
bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his
clothing to
conceal his shame and said to her, 'Old crone,
that bundle is too
heavy for you to carry. Let me lift thy burden.'
The crone was grateful and took him through the
woods to her
gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she
was, in fact, a
witch. 'But you have been so kind to me that I
will grant you a
wish.'
The youth didn't need to consider the wish for a
moment. 'Please,
please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.'
The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and
to climb to a
rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens
using a magic
spell that she provided. The youth followed her
instructions and,
struggling through the cruel and stinging woods,
came to the
ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens,
using the crone's
magic spell.
Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber
clouds
appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a
sound like angels
singing. And from the black clouds came a great
shaft of light
that focused on him. And down that shaft of light
came a giant
golden screwdriver.
As the singing reached a crescendo, the
screwdriver reached the
silver screw, fitting into the groove on its
head. The giant
golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice,
then retreated up
the shaft of light which, in turn, disappeared.
As did the dark
boiling clouds and celestial chorus.
The young man looked down at the silver screw and
tentatively
touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was
loose! So he
turned the screw once, twice, thrice! And his bum
fell off
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor For Tue Feb 27-2007
|
Posted:Feb 27, 2007 6:15 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2854 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor For Tue Feb 27-2007
Picasso's mistress was losing her eyesight so he
took her to an
opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the
doctor reported
that nothing could be done and she would soon
become blind.
Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in
all of France,
but got the same prognosis. He even took her to
the best doctor
in all of Europe, to no avail.
He then decided to take her for a trip around the
world so that
she could see the sights before totally losing
eyesight. They
were in San Francisco when they saw a sign
reading "Sam
Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation". Picasso
figured that it
couldn't do any harm to try this doctor as she
was going to be
blind anyway.
After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported
that when he
did an operation in cases like hers that it would
cure her.
Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.
After the operation and a few weeks of recovery,
the doctor
removed the bandages, and what do you know, she
could see 20/
20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,"Doctor, tell
me your fee.
I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you
ask".
Mr. Picasso", the doctor replied "I only ask my
usual fee of
$100."
"Well then", continued Picasso, "To reward you
handsomely, I
will paint a mural on your waiting room wall.
When I am
finished, we will invite the art critics to see
it."
The doctor agreed to this offer because the room
needed a paint
job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain
for three weeks
and when he is finished, invitations are sent to
the press for
a showing.
On the chosen date the critics crowd into the
waiting room and
when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the
curtain and there on
the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a
giant size eye.
"Great", the critics all exclaim. "This is one of
Picasso's
greatest masterpieces".
Picasso nudges the doctor and says "Well, Sam,
what did I tell
you?"
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day my fiance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married,
and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our . Welcome to the family."
"The moral of this story is quot;
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
_______________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him.
"You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...
and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,
"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
_______________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Joke: Masterbation Innuendo...
A young Father has finally had enough of his 's wetting his pants, and takes him aside.
"", said the Father, "You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!"
The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the "proper" method.
"Okay, , this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!"
The Father watches his every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his , and decides to peek at him while he is "doing his thing" to see how well his instructions are being followed.
The next time the heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his : Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five..."
_______________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Joke: Saving Up
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
_______________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Joke: Letter From Playgirley Magazine, Ce
Dear Male Giggler:
Your name has been submitted to us with your nude photo, and I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.
On a scale of 0 to 10, your body was rated -2 by our panel of women ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel of women ranging from 23 to 35, but we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to reach a decision.
Should the taste of the American women ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate in our centerfold, you will be notified by this office. In the meantime, don't call us, we'll call you!
Sympathetically,
Jack Meoff
Centerfold Editor
P.S. We do commend you for your unusual pose. We were wondering, were you wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
Really No Comparison
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
''Try doing it with the engine running."
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor Mon Feb 26- 2007
|
Posted:Feb 26, 2007 4:59 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2825 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor Mon Feb 26- 2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k es.
______________________
There was this blonde who just got sick and tired
of all the
blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one
evening she went
home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started
telling a Dumb
Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill
announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes.
I want you to
know that this blonde went home last night and
did something
probably none of you could do...I memorized all
the state
capitals."
One of the guys said "I don't believe you."
She said, "It's true. Just test me!"
"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?
"A" she answered.
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
A woman answered her front door and found two
little boys
standing there holding a long list.
"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a
scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a
pork-chop bone and a
piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a
challenging
hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Letters Trick
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Golf Balls
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey – this one here looks like yours!'"
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
This walks into a bar. He sits down, orders
a beer.
The bartender is amazed, he's never seen a
talking before. He
says "wow, I've never seen a talking before.
How are ya buddy?"
The drinks his beer, orders another and says
"Not too good, not too good. I just lost my
job."
The bartender says "you lost your job? Well, you
could get a job
easy! I can get you a job!" So he gets on the
phone and he calls the
circus. He tells them he has a talking dog
there, and would they hire
him? They say sure, they'll hire him as soon as
he can get there.
So the bartender goes back, tells the dog "Hey,
good news, I got you a
job!"
"Really? That's great, where is it?"
"The Circus!"
"The Circus? But I'm an electrician!"
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine
when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which
will make me happy and
sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your d*ck is bigger
than your brother's".
Moral of the story: Don't ask silly questions!
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET ON WOMEN Workplace
Hazardous
Materials Information System
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical
Size: Average
weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to
over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas
and shopping
malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically
enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used
incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin
metal to
common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can
cause substance
to reproduce with marked physical and mental
changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious
stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive
substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly
understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol
saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See
HAZARDS, #3)
COMMON USES: ------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid
to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: -----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed
in natural
state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.
HAZARDS: ---------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to own more than one specimen at a
time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit
cards
________________________________________________________
Great To Be A Guy:
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Joke:Two Statues
For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female,faced each other in a city park,until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorically.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head.
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Redneck Joke: Lottery Winner
Jack is waiting for the lottery draw one week and
can't believe his luck. Six numbers, the jackpot
and he's the only winner. He phones the lottery
organizers who invite him down to an award ceremony.
So there he is, at the press conference with the
photographers and the oversized novelty check etc...
when a lottery spokesman pulls him aside. "Jack",
he says, "we're having a bit of trouble with the
prizes this week". "What's that", Jack asks. "Well,
a hell of a lot of people had three and four numbers
and we're really short on cash because of it. Now I
know we're meant to be given you the whole 10
million today but, and here me out, how about we
give you 4 million this week, 3 million the week
after, then 2 million the week after that and we'll
give you the other million in the fourth week. How
does that sound?"
Jack stops and says, "Look if your going to screw
around then you can give me my dollar back now."
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Joke: Crying Donkey
A guy walks into a Bar and looks at a sign on the wall that reads: $50 if you make my donkey laugh!
The guy thinks he can do it, so he goes out back to the donkey, to try his luck.
A few minutes later the bar owner goes and sees his donkey laughing his guts out.
The barman goes over to the man and says how did you do it.
The man replies. "I can't tell you it's a secret, just give me my $50 bucks.
The next day this same guy goes back the bar, and finds another sign that reads: $50 if you make my donkey cry
Again, the man thinks he can do it, so back he goes out to the donkey.
A short time later, the bar owner now finds his donkey balling it's eyes out.
"How did you do that" The bar keep demands.
The man says. "I really shouldn't tell you, but since your going to pay me another $50 dollars, what the heck".
"It was really very simple to make your donkey laugh, I told him that I had a bigger penis than he did".
"To make him cry, I proved it"!!!
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
thats it for today folks
Thanks for stopping in
BYEEEEEEEEE
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Sun Feb 25 2007
|
Posted:Feb 25, 2007 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:49 pm
2796 Views
|
Daily Dose of Humor for Sun Feb 25 2007
joke send someone over.
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman
screamed into the phone.
"Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom
window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice
replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police
Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a
longer ladder!"
Sightings Of Sharp Individuals
Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer
program for one
of my classes and my roommate asked me if he
could use my
coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I
hear is, "Hey,
where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that
he has filled
the filter basket with water and is
(unsuccessfully) trying to
keep the water in the basket by plugging the
hole at the
bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both
covered with
water. Sighting #2: I was at the airport,
checking in at the
gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has
anyone put anything
in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said,
"If it was
without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
smiled and nodded
knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes
when it is safe
to cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually
challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I
knew what the
buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to
blind people
when the light is red. He responded, appalled,
"What on earth
are blind people doing DRIVING???"
Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and
dear co-worker
who is leaving the company due to "downsizing,"
our manager
spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have
lunch like
this more often." Not another word was spoken.
We just looked
at each other like deer staring into the
headlights of an
approaching truck.
Sighting #5: I worked with an individual who
plugged his power
strip back into itself and for the life of him
could not
understand why his system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a
rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant
idea for
saving disk space. He thought if he put all his
Microsoft Word
documents into a tiny font they'd take up less
room. When he
told me I was with another friend. She thought it
was a good
idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support:
"How much free
space do you have on your hard drive?"
Individual: "Well, my
wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded
ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Individual: Now
what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual:
It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech
Support: Okay, so
type in your last name. Individual: How do you
spell that?
joke new shoes
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist,
confiding that she
found it increasingly difficult to find a man who
could satisfy
her, and that it was very wearisome getting in
and out of all
these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a
man's equipment from
the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his
feet," counseled
the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to
cruise the streets,
until she came across a young fellow standing in
an unemployment
line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her
eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him,
and then took
him back to her apartment for an evening of
abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman
had already gone
but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a
note that read,
"With my compliments. Take this money and go out
and buy a pair
of shoes that fit you."
joke washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to
have a baby. One
day the little boy walked in and saw his mother
naked, he asked
his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the
young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the
hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked
his mother:
"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to
find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little
boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,
"I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the was just
playing went along
with the boy and asked,
"Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's
washing daddy's face
with it."
joke NEW MALE SURVIVOR SERIES
NEW MALE SURVIVOR SERIES:
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor"
show? Mark
Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist
12 men, who will
be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van,
six (each
of whom play two sports and take either a musical
instrument or
dance class), and no access to fast food.
They must keep the house clean, correct all
homework (receiving
at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one
science project,
cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do
laundry, etc. Oh, and
they also have access to television only when the
are asleep
and all chores are done, and none of the TV's
have remotes. Plus
they have to shave their legs and wear makeup
which they must
apply themselves either while driving or while
making six
lunches.
The competitions will consist of such things as
attending a PTA
meeting and accurately reporting the results;
cleaning up after a
sick at 3:00 a.m; making an Indian hut
model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and
getting a 4 year old
to eat a serving of peas.
The vote them off. The winner gets to go
back to his job
joke feeling guilty
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter
how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice
trying to
reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You
aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of his patients
and you won't be
the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him
back to reality -
"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
joke a farmer.
A man who owns a farm gets a call from a
friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who
wants to buy a
and I'm sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he
wants a male or
female . "A female horth," the midget
replies.
So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth,
can I see her
mouf?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the
's teeth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"
So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him
her eyes. "OK,
what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little
pissed, but he picks
up the midget one more time and shows him her
ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up
the midget,
shoves his head up the 's twat, and then
pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I
should wephrase
that. I would like to thee the horth run."
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (rm_longliner002) use [blog rm_longliner002] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
31
|
4
|
5
|
61
|
7
|
8
|
91
|
101
|
11
|
121
|
13
|
14
|
151
|
16
|
171
|
18
|
191
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
231
|
24
|
|
251
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
