longliner002 My Blog by rm_longliner002, a Blog on FriendFinder-x

Blogs > rm_longliner002 > longliner002 My Blog

longliner002 My Blog

jokes and poetry

Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |

Daily Dose of Humor 23-Feb-2007	Posted:Feb 23, 2007 3:50 pm Last Updated:Feb 23, 2007 9:11 pm 969 Views
Daily Dose of Humor 23-Feb-2007 Five Maxims of Making Excuses 1..) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use. 2..) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. , pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats. 3..) Whine convincingly. 4..) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache. 5..) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for. And now, some excuses: - I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you. - The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change. - I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one. - The car ran out of gas. - Well, you never told me I couldn't do that. - He started it. - I have jet lag. - I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight. - I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end. - I missed the bus. - The alarm didn't go off. - I couldn't find a parking space. - The Devil made me do it. - Drugs made me do it. - Everybody else does it. - That's not my department. - Our computer's down. - We must have misplaced your original request. - It's on someone elses desk. - Don't ask me - I just work here. What Men Are Really Saying: "I'm going fishing." Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "Let's take your car." Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas." "Woman driver." Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." Taking A Tinkle A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy . All was fine for 16 years, and then one walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the . The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.' New York Visit Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab. The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada. The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells "what did he say?". The old man replies: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!" "What part of Canada are you from?", asks the driver. "We are from Ontario", replies the old guy. The old lady says "what did he say?", so the old man replies, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONATARIO WE ARE FROM I SAYD WE ARE FROM OTTAWA." The driver then says "Ottawa. Worst piece of ass i ever got was in Ottawa.". The old lady yells "what did he say?" "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.", the old guy replies. "It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. "Good idea." Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead." "I got a lot done." Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means "I forgot our anniversary again." "You expect too much of me." Really means "You want me to stay awake." "It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." "That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "Will you marry me?" Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." "Go ask your mother." Really means "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help around the house." Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me at?" "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago." "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means "She refused to make my coffee." "But I hate to go shopping." Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse." "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means "You may actually get it to start." "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions." "I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I brought you a present." Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game." "I missed you." Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up." "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means "I like you more than my truck." "I recycle." Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" "It sure snowed last night." Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now." "It's good beer." Really means "It was on sale." "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one." "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window." "I broke up with her." Really means "She dumped me." A woman's electronic hair Dryer A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" *
	0 Comments

Daily Dose of Humor for FEB-22-2007	Posted:Feb 22, 2007 6:12 pm Last Updated:Feb 22, 2007 7:25 pm 1479 Views
Daily Dose of Humor for FEB-22-2007 Run for the hills boys, it's time for the ladies to extract a little well earned revenge! The Breasts Of An Eighteen Year Old and The... This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up." In The Anatomy Class A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the ..." It's What You Do With It That Counts A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with ." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!" Women Jokes Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Can take the piss out of them on the internet (so brave)! Overcoming the Embarrassment A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!" Secrets Of A Successful Marriage There were a couple of old guys talking at the bar. One of the men had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" said his friend. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" his friend responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!" Overly Suspicious Women Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs!" A few mixed Jokes LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES Getting Monday Off Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday. The fist friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to sgo to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?" Little Johnny said," Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday." I Know The Whole Truth At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug." Diary of a Viagra housewife… Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed. Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears. Day 4 A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem’. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5 What absolute bliss!!. Day 6 Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that. Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice - I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over…. Day 11 I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig. Day 12 I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous… Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard. Day 14 I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me! Day 15 I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did. Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference…Christ! Here he comes again! Day 18 He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss! TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY… 10.. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9.. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8.. See if they could finally do the splits. 7.. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6.. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5.. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes … BEFORE closing time. 4.. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3.. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2.. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1.. Finally find that damned G-spot. TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY… 10.. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9.. Get a blow job. 8.. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7.. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6.. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently. 5.. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4.. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3.. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2.. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. 1.. Repeat number 9…… This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink. "What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal.... and then ...I come in here ...and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!" "Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?" Joke:Three Men And Old Lady There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman. "C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks. She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me." The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends. "You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her." "Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy. "Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!" "Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says. He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers. "W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl. "Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me." "AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!" He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell. "What do you want for some water?" "You have to have sex with me." Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen. "Do me here," she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window. "Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars." "Then lay back and close your eyes again." This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes. "If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert." "Eyes closed," he says. Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms. "Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy. So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window. One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!" BIZARRE REAL LIFE animal LAWS In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia. Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law. In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits. In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts. In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours. In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset. In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday. In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed. In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman. French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th. Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation. Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures. In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat. Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump. Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California. In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell. In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter. You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a and cause it to panic. In Wanassa, New Jersey, a is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying." Your Church Might Be A Redneck Church If: - People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. - The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," then five guys and two women stand up. - Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. - A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." - With a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. - Baptism is referred to as "branding." - People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. Joke: Fuckin' Chocolate A lady walks into an ice cream parlor and order's a scoop of chocolate ice cream. The proprietor quickly responds "I'm sorry mamm, but we are all out of chocolate." The lady looks confused and gazes down through the glass of the ice cream case and then looks back up at the man and asks for a pint of chocolate. The man replies a little annoyed stating once again that he is out of chocolate ice cream. The lady then seems to get the point and walks down to the end of parlor. She then looks back up and says "excuse me sir?" "Can I get a gallon of chocolate?" At this point the owner becomes upset. "Mamm. Do me a favor please?" "O.k." The woman replied. "Can you spell the straw in strawberry?" "Sure. S T R A W." "Good mamm." The owner said gently. "Can you spell the Van in Vanilla?" "Yes. V A N." The lady said confidently. "Now can you spell the Fuck in chocolate?" The owner said smartly. The lady looked up at the ceiling in thought then replied, "There is no Fuck in chocolate." "Well Mamm." The owner said. "That's what I have been trying to tell you." "There is NO FU*CKIN' CHOCOLATE." No Need to Run The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto". Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night". Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom.off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!" Cat & A cat and a are walking through the forest. Suddenly the cat slips into a pit of quicksand. "Help me Ed!", says the cat, "Quick, run home, get the ferari, cruise back here tie a rope to the back and throw It in so you can pull me out." "No way.", exclaimed the , "There isn't enough time. I'll back up, get a running start, jump over the pit while my dick drags in the quicksand. You can grab it and I'll pull you out." "That'll never work!", said the cat. "Well dude, you're sinking fast, you don't have much of a choice." "OK, dude, go for it." The backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second, he jumped and let his dick drag in the quicksand. As it passed the cat, the cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled out of the quicksand. The moral of this story? If you're hung like a , you don't need a ferrari to get a little pussy. Unlocking The Door John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me." "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock." thats it for today
	2 Comments

the daily dose of humor for 02-21-2007	Posted:Feb 21, 2007 4:53 pm Last Updated:Feb 21, 2007 5:45 pm 1016 Views
I just want to thank everyone who stopped and visited my Blog. Frog Remix This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. The blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" A few jokes for the women. A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items: 1 toothbrush 1 tube of toothpaste 1 roll of toiletpaper 1 frozen dinner 1 can of pop 1 box of cereal The woman behind the counter says, "so you are single huh?" The man replies very sarcastically, "why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?" The woman replies, "no, because you are ugly." Another Mystery Solved Why are married women heavier than single women? single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge. How To Satisfy A Man HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN: Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN: Show up naked with food. Now for us guys The Ages Of Women 1.. Between the ages of 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. 2.. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. 3.. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. 4.. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. 5.. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn? Ways To End An Argument A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce." He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much." Always Watching Over You... Nearly! A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?" Warm, Moist MAN: I'd like to buy some food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He's at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the man returns. MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he? MAN: He's at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the man returns. CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper. LOOKING PAST THE SYMPTOMS A man stops by his regular doctor with this strange discolouring of his genitals. The doctor was quite amazed. He had never seen such a shade of orange on a man's privates. After a very thorough examination, the befuddled doctor finally confessed he had no ideas. So he said to the man "I don't quite understand what is going on here." Then he asked, "so tell me what is it you do?" The man said, "not much, really." The doctor asked, "Do you work?" The man replied, "no I have been laid off for months." The doctor then said, "well, what is it that you do all day?" The man replied "not much really, I sit around, watching porno's and eating cheetos all day..." Pig In Bullbar A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice. "There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said. "Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush." About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on." "Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?" "Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch." Good-Ole Boy Gets Drunk A good-ole-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly... it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!" Secretary Machine A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary." My wife moderates an on line discussion site. One of her duties is to make sure that new members are not spammers in disguise. She looks at the user name, the e-mail address, etc to make sure the person is real. Yesterday she's looking at new member applications and see's an e-mail from sillysally(*At)bluecom.no so she turns to me and asks "Honey, what does N-O mean?" I could not resist. My reply was one we've used with our many times thoughout the years. "What part of NO don't you understand?" Thankfully this was the day AFTER valentines day. [bluecom.no is in Norway. No, sillysally is not the real address.] Making cakes A little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy,you and daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night." The mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa." : The 59 Axioms Of Love Making Axiom (n) A self-evident or universally recognized truth; a maxim The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. Sex has no calories. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. No sex with anyone in the same office. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. A man in the house is worth two in the street. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Virginity can be cured. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. It is always the wrong time of month. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- then on Sunday pray for crop failure. The younger the better. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. Love is a hole in the heart. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-stands on the moon. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Do it only with the best. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. One good turn gets most of the blankets. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. Never say no. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. Love comes in spurts. The world does not revolve on an axis. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "This won't hurt, I promise." Newlyweds A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement asked, "Is that all we have left?" well thats it for today
	0 Comments

daily dose of humor for 02-20-007	Posted:Feb 20, 2007 7:36 pm Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:6 pm 928 Views
daily dose of humor for 02-20-007 Daily Dose of Humor 02-20-007 + General Joke Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or Boyfriend along shopping . This letter was (apparently) recently sent by an unnamed supermarket's Head Office to a customer in Oxford: Dear Mrs. Murray, While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras: 1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3.. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. 4.. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened. 5.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6.. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. 7.. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. 9. .November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were. 10.. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 11.. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" Using different size funnels. 12.. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 13.. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again." And; last, but not least: 14.. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here." Yours sincerely, Store Manager joke Sniffer Dog A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the was a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!" joke Designated Drunk One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers. As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot. A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy." Take Your Choice A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!" "Yes!" says her husband "The didn't want to go fishing either." Little Johnny was sitting at the top of his stairs with his cat one day eating smarties. He would eat a smartie, bite the cat, and move down a stair. His dad saw this and watched him do it a couple of more times. The would eat a smartie, bite the cat, and move down a step. He watched his do this one more time and he finally had to ask him what he was doing. He said, “, you eat a smartie, bite the cat and move down a step. What are you doing?” His said, “I’m practicing to be a truck driver.” His father said, “What do you mean?” said, “I’m popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on.” Joke:The Stutterer These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, I.....w...a...s......a...l...m...o...s..t........m...a...r...r...i...e..d" The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!" The reply comes, "Y..e..s, .I....w..e..n..t.....t..o.....a.....d..o..c..t.o..r......a..n..d. . he...... t..o..l..d..... m..e.... t..h..a..t..... i..f..... I...... s..p..e...a..k..... s..l..o..w.l..y...... I .... w..o..u..l..d..... n..o..t.... s..t..u...t..t..e..r." The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l,..... m..y..... f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n..d........ I...... w..e... r..e..... s..i.t..t..i..n..g.... o..n.....h..e..r....... p..o..r..c..h... a..n...d.... t..h..e... d..o..g... w..a..s.. s...c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n....g...... h..i..s....b..a..c..k....s.o..... I..... t..o..l..d.... h.e..r...... t...h..a.t......w...h..e..n..... w..e.....a..r..e.... m..a..r..r..i..e.d,........ s..h..e...... c..a .n...... d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d..... t..h..e..n.... s.h..e.... t..h..r..e..w....... t..h..e..... r..i..n..g..... i..n..... m..y..... f ..a..c..e" Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend. "W..e..l..l, .I.....s..p..e..a..k.....s..o.....s..l..o..w.l..y,.....t..h..a..t... .b. .y.....t..h ..e...... t..i...m...e..... s.h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t . t..h..e ... .d..o..g,..... h..e . w..a..s.......l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ..... b..a..l..l..s." Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches 1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play. 2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald. 3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable. 4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner. 5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground. 6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities. 7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings. 9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner. 10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back. 11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles. 12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. 13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies. 14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches. 15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie. 16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy. 17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes. 18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches. 19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A SECRET REDNECK JEDI If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..." If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookiees are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." Joke: Sexy Therapy Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..." Joke: Six Feet Under The Sheets Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!" Joke: You Reap What You Sew A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!" Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."
	0 Comments

daily dose of humor 02-19-007 Redneck Joke: Can't Explain	Posted:Feb 19, 2007 7:12 pm Last Updated:Feb 19, 2007 7:50 pm 1009 Views
daily dose of humor 02-19-007 Redneck Joke: Can't Explain A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar. The Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain." The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?". "Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim said. "Jim, What do you mean by that," the Bartender asks. "Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain," Jim added. "Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said. "Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain." The Mailman's Retirement It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." Joke:At The Final Moment Of Truth A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four . Three of the are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." Joke:Sixty Nine A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!" George and the Dragon An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?" Joke: Turning Eighty An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?" The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night." Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?" "Fabulous," the old man said. "I've cum three times already." "That's great," the doctor said. "the must be astounded." "Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet." Joke: Hotel Lobby A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." Joke: A Cub Reporter A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts." The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!" The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her " ( . )( . )" Joke: The Kiss There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing. His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!" Thats it for today Byeeeeee>
	1 comment

Daily Dose of Humor 17-Feb-2007	Posted:Feb 17, 2007 6:54 pm Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:6 pm 1051 Views
Daily Dose of Humor 17-Feb-2007 Perfect Day for a Woman: 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30lbs. 1:00 Shopping with friends. 3:00 Nap. 4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 10:00 Hot shower…alone. 10:30 Make love. 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. Perfect Day for a Man: 8:00 Alarm. 8:01 Blowjob. 8:02 Massive dump while reading the sports section. 8:30 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 9:00 Limo arrives. 9:02 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 9:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:55 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 10:00 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 12:00 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Blowjob. 12:16 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs. 5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel. 7:00 Watch Sportscenter. CNN Newsflash. 8:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip. 9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs. 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 11:45 Go to bed (Alone). 11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the leave the room. 11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep… Alcohol Warning Labels: 1. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you. 5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning. 7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area. 8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba. 9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear. 11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy. 12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants. Joke:it`s Time To Shear The Flock The bitter winter was almost over when one shepherd confessed to the other that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flock. The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands togather in anticipation. "It will be great selling the wool and spending money on wine and women, eh?" "That's not it," his friend said. "I just can't WAIT to see them naked!" Joke:Three Couples Went Out Camping Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no. Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding." joke Wedding ring Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1..) Having your mistress find out you're married. 2..) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. 3..) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Redneck Joke: Three Hillbillies Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!" The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!" Joke: Rosebuds A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden." Joke: Sheep Shank A young missionary had just taken up a new post in a remote Maori village. The young man was the first white man to set foot in the area in quite some time. Upon entering the village he was quite distressed at the liberal attitude towards sexual practices and began to preach chastity to his new flock with a vengence. 10 months later the of the chief gives birth to a white baby. As the missionary is the only white man around the chief furiously confronts him. "You preach chastity to me and all the time you are doing the devils work with my . I'm going to kill you, you hypocrite." "No it wasn't me" stammered the missionary "It's just a freak of nature." "Oh sure! A black woman gives birth to a white baby and you're the only white man for miles and you call it a freak of nature. Now I'm going to kill you slowly." "No, it's true" responded the missionary. "It's called an albino. These sort of strange things happen all the time. See those sheep on the hill. Look, all the lambs are white except for one black one." With that the chief looks around and in a conspiritorial tone replies, "Look, I'll do you a deal. I'll forget about the baby if you forget about the sheep. OK?" Joke: Farmers Secret Weapon Seems that there was a noted gardener who was famous for his wonderful tomato plants. As would happen, one day a young lady asked him his secret for success. He replied that each morning he went out to his tomato plants with nothing on but a robe. He would stand in front of them and flash them. He suggested that she try his method. A few weeks passed before they again met, and being the gentleman he was, he inquired as to her success. She replied that nothing had happened to her tomato plants, but that he should come and see her cucumbers! Joke: How Much For A Nibble? A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!" Joke: But It Itches! A teacher notices that Little Johnny, at the back of the class, is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom," she says. "I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school." joke I Must Call My Mom A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland." To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!! He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?" joke Newlywed secrets revealed A couple returns from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replies the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nods gently and says, "I don't know if I can get over it, though. She gave me $20 change!"
	0 Comments

Daily Dose of Humor 16-Feb-2007 Redneck Test	Posted:Feb 16, 2007 4:17 pm Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:6 pm 1007 Views
Daily Dose of Humor 16-Feb-2007 Redneck Test This test really can’t be cheated on… either you know the answers or you don’t. Score 3 points per correct answer. You’re given 1 point to start. Yankees may score a 2 or 3, whereas the natives typically score around 20+. If you score over 50, you should be living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks. Answers follow below, so don’t peek….. How many Vienna Sausages are in a can? What was the number and color of Richard Petty’s cars? Bill Dance is good at what? What university does Bill Dance root for? Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football? After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what? In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8? A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin’ language? What is a chigger? What is scrapple? Where is “The Redneck Riviera”? What’s that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees? What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,_______________. What’s the common name for a bowfin? If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get? Who sang “Your Cheatin’ Heart”? What are grits made out of? Who was nicknamed “The Bear” Why is the Blue Ridge blue? What did The Baldwin Sisters make? Who was Andy Taylor’s love interest? What are the radio station call letters that carries “The Grand Ol’ Opry”? Where would you find Vidalia County? What sport requires 3 legs and a rope? What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically) How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing? What is a scuppernong? Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu? Why do you want to eat “high on the hog”? What color is a John Deere? What do you call the offspring of a mule? What will you harvest when you plant “shade”? Answers: 7 43, red and blue Fishin’ University of Tennessee University of Georgia Hard peanuts 283 French A red bug (small parasite) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts Panama City, FL Spanish moss Evinrude Mudfish Nothing. A steer has been castrated. Hank Williams Corn Paul Bryant Because of the pollen “The Recipe” Helen WSM Georgia Calf roping Mandolin 5 The same thing A wild grape Yes Because that’s where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog. Green Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally sterile. Tobacco Redneck Joke: Parachuting Bubba and Jed took parachuting lessons, and were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the midair performance of their parachutes. Bubba jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth. Then Jed jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord- nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past Bubba, plummeting like a stone. "Oh," shouted the Jed, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!" Joke:The Bad Hand Job A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?" "EEEEyyyyyyeeeew!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!" Joke: Three vampires Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks. The first vampire asks for blood. The second vampire asks for blood. The third vampire asks for some hot water. The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?" "Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea." Joke: Three Weddings Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest 's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest 's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest 's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle . "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest . "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full." Joke: They Are In The Shower A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "No." The salesman asked, "Why?" "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue." Joke: The Wild, Wild West The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive. Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to help." "Tell me, Tell me!" said the young dude. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "You damn betcha," said the old man. The did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?" "Yeah - If'n you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "You damn betcha." The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old timer. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The fellow didn't hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel. "No, no, the whole gun," said the graybeard. "Handle and everything." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it won't hurt so much." Joke: Losing Weight Once there was this man who was extremely over-weight. So he went to an exercise center. When he walked in he headed straight for a desk near the far right corner of the room. Next to the desk was a door. On the door was a sign that said "LEVEL 5 ONLY". So at the desk was a woman who was broomstick-thin. He told her he wanted to start losing weight right away. She told him to come to the center at 8:30 the next morning. If after the first time you don't like it you can quit the program any time and get half your money back. So when he came to the center he saw a blond woman standing in the door-way. "If you can catch me you can have me", she said. And with that she took off running. The over-weight man ran after her. He ran for 45 minutes. Then he fell over in exhaustion. He lost 10lbs that day. He decided he was ready for the next level. So again the next day he came at 8:30. There was a red-haired woman standing in the door-way. "If you can catch me you can have me", and with that she took off running. He chased her for a full hour. Then he fell over in exhaustion. He had lost 15lbs. He decided to come back the next morning. The next morning he showed up at 8:30 like the past 2 days. There in the door-way was a tall brunette. They went through the same process that the man had the past 2 days. The only change was that the man chased her 1 hour and 30 minutes, and he lost 25lbs. He decided that he sshould skip the 4th level and move right onto the 5th. so when he told the woman at the desk he wanted to skip level 4 and move on to level 5 she said in a high nasial voice "okay tomorrow please show up at 7:30 and be ready to lose alot of weight. oh and yes please go into that door (pionting to the door next to her) and wait for your instructor. The next morning he showed up at 7:30 and walked right through the door. He sat down on a box and waited 5 or 10 minutes for the instructor to come. In about 10 minutes the instructor stepped into the room. The instructors name was Mr. Gallant. He was an obviously gay man the now only slightly over-weight man could tell by the way Mr. Gallant was checking him out. Mr. Gallant then said "this is the final stage of the program." Then he said in a low slightly strange vioce, "If I can catch you I can have you." And boy that over-weight man can sure run fast when he wants to! Joke: Knock At The Farmer's Door The farmer's wife was cooking dinner when there was a knock on the door. She opened it and the man standing there said, "Do you have any pussy?" "Get out of here," the woman exclaimed, shaking her fist, "and don't come around here no more." The next night, the same man came to the door, asking the same question. The farmer's wife slammed the door. When her husband came home that evening, she told him about the two visits. "I'li get that varmit if he comes back tomorrow," he raged. "This time, if he asks you that same question, say yes." The next night at the sound of a knock, the farmer hid behind the door with his shotgun. His wife answered the door. "Do you have any pussy?" the man asked. "Yes, I do," the woman said. "Well, how about giving your old man some," he bellowed, "so he'll leave my wife's alone?" Joke: Virginity Snapping Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stops laughing he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress and as her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks: "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!" Well thats it for today Thanks for stopping bye
	0 Comments

Daily Dose of Humor 15-Feb-2007	Posted:Feb 15, 2007 5:11 pm Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:6 pm 934 Views
Daily Dose of Humor 15-Feb-2007 Joke Of The Day: The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the worlds leading fartology organizations. 1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an "I can't do it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..." 2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you're partly on your way. If you're older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do. 3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Lets travel forth and delve into the world of position and location... Leg Lift "Elevator" Position Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter. Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus. Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call. "Imperial" Throne Position Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily). Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart. Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse mind and cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended. Wal-Mart Fart Position There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume. Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position. Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence. Power Arching Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take when getting the quote to have your car's transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for "customer service" counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit. Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position. Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages. All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, its all about position, location and a "can-do" attitude! Valentine A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means? You'll know tonight.... he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it---only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". Joke: Ping Pong Balls Once there was a beautiful princess who had many suitors who wished to marry her. Her father, the King, picked three and told them that they would have to compete in a contest to marry his . Whomever won got to marry her. He called the 3 men to his castle and told them what to do. He said I give you each 3 months to go around the world and collect as many ping pong balls as you can. Whomever collects the most can marry my . And so the three went off. A month later one came back. He had found 2,000 ping pong balls. The king said that was pretty good but he must wait for the others to return. The next month another man came back. He had found 5,000 ping pong balls. The king siad that that was pretty good also but must wait for the final man. On the last day of the last month, a dirty, beat-up looking man stumbled into the king's castle. He was carrying something in his hands. So the king said to him how many ping pong balls did you get? Ping pong balls? said the guy. I thought you said King Kong's balls. Joke: Young Female Bakery Clerk A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..." Joke: The Seven Dwarves The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my ?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!" Joke: Used Car Lot It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
	0 Comments

joke Johnny Multi-Syllable Word	Posted:Feb 14, 2007 9:06 pm Last Updated:Feb 15, 2007 1:13 pm 989 Views
joke Johnny Multi-Syllable Word The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables." DR Joke. WILL IT HURT MUCH, DOCTOR? A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!" DR Joke. ASSUME THE POSITION A woman went to the doctor complaining of terribly bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questioned her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me about. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," the woman said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch television, there ain't!" she replie IN THE BRIDAL SUITE On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture." He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "So I can get it enlarged." Redneck Joke: Bubba Sues Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, that is true." "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?" "Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!" Joke: Long But Silent A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen." The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want. The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldnt get the woman to even talk to him. The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her. The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door. The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "damn that sucks but what happened?" Tthe man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows." Joke: Burn Patient A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs." Joke: Sex Poem Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs, and what's in between Kissing is a habit, Fucking is a game, Guys get all the pleasure, Girls get all the pain The guy says "I love you," You believe it's true, But when your tummy starts to swell, He says "to hell with you" Roses are red, Violets are corny, When I think of you, Ohh baby I get horny Eat me, Beat me, Bite me, Blow me, Suck me, Fuck me, Very slowly, If you kiss me, don't be sassy, Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!! Joke: Three Guys In A Bed Three guys stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it. During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job. Incredulously the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got a hand job. The guy in the middle says he dreamed he was skiing. Joke: A Named Sex Everybody I know who has a usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog." Joke Of The Day: Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice. WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY? As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation. WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY? Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure. WILL IT HURT? We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist. WHAT SHOULD I BRING? We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested. WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK? Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy. WILL I HAVE A SCAR? We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional. WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE? Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand. We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information. Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends! Two little old ladies Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!" Joke: Escaped Convicts Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes". Joke: The Snowplow One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" Joke: Computer Women a.. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!!! c.. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her. d.. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs. e.. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun! f.. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!! g.. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her. h.. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful. i.. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!! j.. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense. k.. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
	0 Comments

Daily Dose of Humor Valentines she	Posted:Feb 13, 2007 7:19 pm Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:6 pm 1073 Views
Daily Dose of Humor 9:27 PM 2/13/2007 Joke: Valentines she�ll remember. Instead of just signing that stupid card why not personalize it with something she�ll treasure forever. 10.. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9.. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8.. I bought this Valentine�s card at the store In hopes that, later, you�d be my . 7.. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn�t $250 a night. 6.. You�re a woman of style, you�re a woman of class Especially when I�m spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5.. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I�m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4.. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so�s your ass. 3.. You�re a honey. . . and you�re a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo�s �booty�. 2.. I don�t wanna be sappy or corny So, right to the point, let�s do it, I�m horny! 1.. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister! Joke: Valentine's Day Gift A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. "These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me. Love, Honey Bear p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing. Joke: Ancient Chinese Torture A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my , I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese Tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." Joke Of The Day: Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times." joke Great Seats A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." Redneck Joke: Parachuting Bubba and Jed took parachuting lessons, and were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the midair performance of their parachutes. Bubba jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth. Then Jed jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord- nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past Bubba, plummeting like a stone. "Oh," shouted the Jed, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!" Joke: Stiff Drink Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO." Joke: Suspenders In A Car Door Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his 'Vette, and they both leave the parking lot. The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot. He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph! He can't believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go. At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more. Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light. ''How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?'' the guy in the Corvette asks. The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, ''MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!'' joke Drunk woman A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it doesn't matter to me, I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with? Joke: Famous Sex Quotes Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a -of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -- Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert DE Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams
	0 Comments

Daily Dose of Humor 12/Feb/2007 Joke: Pickled Penis	Posted:Feb 12, 2007 4:53 pm Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:6 pm 899 Views
Daily Dose of Humor 12/Feb/2007 Joke: Pickled Penis Joke: Pickled Penis There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was too scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem. The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you". So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis" Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS" Joke: Bob, The Atheletic Sperm Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?" Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there". The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys it's a BLOW JOB!" Joke: A Lifetime Of Sex 1.. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2.. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. 3.. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have , so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4..The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fck you!" 5.. The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom. Joke: A Poem This is a poem about love... My eyes are gazing out the window, yet my mind is walking with you. We stroll on down the Riverwalk and then have a drink or two. And when the sun is setting, the moon glows bright above, Then we will return to my place and partake in acts of love. Alas, this is but a dream and now your lovely image is fading, But that's okay, I'll let you go, because I am finished masterbating. (I love you) -T. Matthew Vitou 2005 joke Commit suicide A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So, then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." Joke Of The Day: A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" Joke: Kinky Sex A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fcking talking aren't you?" Joke: Working On Welfare A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac . You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it." Redneck Joke: Anesthetic A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now." King's Three Wishes A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his and pulls the rock off the man. The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes. The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my to be immortal." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done". The king, still happy, jumps on his and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his also is immortal, and replies "That's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops his pants. Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud "Damn that's the biggest pu__y I've ever seen..."
	0 Comments

Joke Of The Day feb 11-007	Posted:Feb 11, 2007 4:38 pm Last Updated:Feb 14, 2007 8:19 pm 1046 Views
Joke Of The Day A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job." Law Of Gravity A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him,” if you're blind, why do you want to fly?" And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience. So off through the skies they went! The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, "Help, help, I'm a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!" A voice came over the speaker that said, "if you are a blind man, how do you know you're upside down?" The man said, "because shit is running out of my collar!!!!" Valentines day is coming up. To play the game you need to know the lingo. … women say to men (and what they mean) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”) 9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.) 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.) 6. I’ve got a boyfriend (who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s). 5. I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ’solar system’, much less the same building.) 4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s not me, it’s you.) 3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s that male perspective thing) … men say to women (and what they mean) 10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.) 9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.) 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.) 6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.) 5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.) 4. It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.) 3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.) 2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.) 1. Let’s be friends. (You’re the ugliest person that has ever existed on this planet.) This is one of my aaaaaaaaall time favs We learn about VD in: “IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN” Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: “I’M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!” Is Linus gay? “ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN” Charlie moves back to his house in East LA in: “OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?” See how the Peanuts Gang deals with sexual pressures in: “NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!” Discover a father’s forbidden love in: “IT’S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN” Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: “IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN” What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen’s twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego “Mr. Clean” in: “GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN” Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: “ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!” Charlie Brown gets his first job in: “WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?” Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: “BLAME IT ON THE MAN, CHARLIE BROWN” Peppermint Patty ‘goes to town’ on Marcie in: “YOU MOW THE GRASS AND SO DO WE, CHARLIE BROWN?” Charlie gets an AOL account and stays up all night long in: “WELCOME!… YOU HAVE MAIL, CHARLIE BROWN” The peanuts gang learns about death in: “WHY ISN’T SNOPPY MOVING, CHARLIE BROWN?” Charlie Brown learns the pain of a sex change in: “YOU LOOK DIFFERENT, CHARLIE BROWN” Charlie Brown learns about cyber sex in: “WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, CHARLIE BROWN?” Snoopy goes to town on Charlies leg in: “YOUR REALLY LOVES YOU, CHARLIE BROWN” Charlie Brown joins a fanatically religious cult: “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, CHARLIE BROWN” The Peanuts gang learns about self-stimulation in: “WHY ARE MY PALMS SO HAIRY, CHARLIE BROWN?” Charlie Brown learn about from Lucy in: “FIFTY DOLLARS TO MAKE YOU HOLLER, CHARLIE BROWN?” Charlie Brown learns about STD’s in: “THAT WASN’T THERE BEFORE, CHARLIE BROWN.” Charlie Brown learns about tax fraud in: “HERE COMES THE IRS, CHARLIE BROWN.” Which leads to the sequel where Charlie Brown learns about prison in: “DON’T DROP YOUR SOAP, CHARLIE BROWN.” Charlie Brown learns about suicide in: “BYE-BYE, CHARLIE BROWN.” Charlie Brown learns about pornography in: “LOOK AT THOSE TITS!, CHARLIE BROWN?”
	1 comment

joke Clinton Recycling Sex	Posted:Feb 9, 2007 6:31 pm Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:6 pm 885 Views
joke Clinton Recycling Sex Clinton Recycling Sex Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in." joke Mad Cow Disease A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?" Joke: Aftertaste A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 6 shots of Jack Daniels. The bartender asks "What's the occasion." The guy says "Its my first blowjob." The bartender says "Well if thats the case the 7th is on us." The guy says "If that won't get the taste out nothing will." Joke: 21 Reasons Why Cucumbers Are Better A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy. A cucumber won't want to come on your face. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married, on penicillin, or trying to screw your sister. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you. Blonde Joke THE BLONDE TELEGRAM Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow." Criminal Joke SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR WATSON Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see" Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars" "What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent" Student Joke WHEN I FIRST STARTED COLLEGE... When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors." "When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students." Lawyer Joke TRICKS OF THE TRADE There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?" He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!" Relationship Joke AN EASY ENOUGH MISTAKE A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." Redneck Joke THE NATIONAL TRANSPORT SAFETY BOARD The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks. This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit". Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
	0 Comments

To link to this blog (rm_longliner002) use [blog rm_longliner002] in your messages.

rm_longliner002 57M

57 M

Guidelines

March 2007

Sun

Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

101

121

151

171

191

231

251

Recent Visitors

Visitor

Age

Sex

Date

Most Recent Comments by Others

Post Poster Post Date

Daily Dose of Humor for FEB-22-2007 (2) charliesexangel
Feb 22, 2007 7:17 pm

Joke Of The Day feb 11-007 (2) BUMrush2007
Feb 14, 2007 3:01 pm

Joke: A Redneck Valentine (5) rm_freaksinheat
Feb 4, 2007 11:21 am

todays jokes (2) tracy_de_lacy
Dec 17, 2006 3:07 pm

joke the raise (2) snatchy71
Aug 25, 2006 4:03 pm

joke sex work out (2) 2daycowboywanted
Aug 22, 2006 9:31 am

jokes (3) tracy_de_lacy
Aug 8, 2006 8:49 am

gew jokes to end your day with (2) Theflinkychick
Jul 28, 2006 5:14 pm

dirty jokes #1099 (2) tastycouple55
Jul 18, 2006 5:40 pm

Joke: Apartment For Rent (2) MissKittyNip26
Jan 11, 2006 11:19 am

Joke: Getting Home Early (2) hugs_4_u2
Jan 9, 2006 3:24 pm

Persons appearing in photographs may not be actual members. Other data for illustrative purposes only.

FriendFinder-x does not conduct criminal background screening of its members. Learn about Internet Dating Safety, click here.

This website is operated in the US by at , ; in the EU by At , ; in Australia by ,, ; in Singapore by , . Contact us at 888-575-8383 (US toll free), 0800 098 8311(UK toll-free).

Hide

English
- Español
- Français
- Deutsch
- 日本語
- 한글
- Português
- Italiano
- Nederlands
- Svenska
- 繁體中文

Other Sites:

Alt.com
OutPersonals.com
NoStringsAttached.com