A SMART ASS
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Posted:Aug 19, 2008 5:15 am
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2008 5:06 am
4017 Views
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally,
he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey
realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our
troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
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THE NIGHT SKY
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Posted:Aug 19, 2008 5:10 am
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2008 5:07 am
3757 Views
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said, 'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replied, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute then said, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and there must be
other life out there. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all
powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,
Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'
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RESPECT ME AFTER??
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Posted:Aug 17, 2008 4:02 am
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2008 3:39 am
4176 Views
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A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.
She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years.
The have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."
"Well, the husband says, there is one thing."
"What is that," says the wife?
"A blow job," says the husband.
The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."
So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a blow job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.
The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, cocksucker, it's for you."
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WHO'S YOUR DADDY ????
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Posted:Aug 17, 2008 3:58 am
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2008 3:38 am
3800 Views
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The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details'.
or putting it another way...
Who's your Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms for dependent support. #11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Maria was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Linda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my , as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his ph one number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my . He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my 's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Lisa's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my was as they all look the same to me .
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? B who was also borned at the same time... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Della Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support them.
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LIFE
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Posted:Aug 17, 2008 3:49 am
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2008 5:52 am
3678 Views
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Anger is a condition in which
the tongue works faster than the mind.
You can't change the past,
but you can ruin the present
by worrying over the future.
Love...and you shall be loved.
All people smile in the same language.
A hug is a great gift... one size fits all.
It can be given for any occasion
and it's easy to exchange.
Everyone needs to be loved...
especially when they do not deserve it.
The real measure of a man's wealth
is what he has invested in eternity.
Laughter is life's sunshine.
Everyone has beauty
but not everyone sees it.
It's important for parents to live
the same things they teach.
If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday
and the worries of tomorrow,
you have no today to be thankful for.
Man looks at outward appearance
but the Lord looks within.
The choice you make today
will usually affect tomorrow.
Take time to laugh, for it is
the music of the soul.
If anyone speaks badly of you,
live so none will believe it.
Patience is the ability to idle your motor
when you feel like stripping your gears.
Love is strengthened by working
through conflicts together.
The best thing parents can do
for their is to love each other.
Harsh words break no bones
but they do break hearts.
To get out of a difficulty,
one usually must go through it.
We take for granted the things
that we should be giving thanks for.
Love is the only thing that can be
divided without being diminished.
Happiness is enhanced by others
but does not depend upon others.
For every minute you are angry with someone,
you lose 60 seconds of happiness
that you can never get back.
Do what you can, for who you can,
with what you have, and where you are.
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A COUPLE OF QUICKIES
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Posted:Aug 13, 2008 11:36 pm
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2008 3:36 am
4187 Views
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An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.'
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.')
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!'
The Amish man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more!!'
***********************
CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES:
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth!
But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well,
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
**********************************************
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SIZE OR SIGH'S ??
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Posted:Aug 13, 2008 11:32 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2008 5:08 am
4127 Views
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If I have posted this before I am sorry, but it really is worth a re-read. It definitely made me shed a few tears.....
"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the animal shelter volunteer.
"What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked.
"Puppy size!" replied the mother.
"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."
"I know... we have seen most of them,"' the mom said in frustration.
Just then Danielle came walking into the office.
"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.
"You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.
Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her.
They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration.
"We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either," Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.
Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, "Sorry, but you're not the one."
The volunteer opened the last cage door and the carefully picked up the and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.
"Mommy, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"
"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said.
"No mommy, not size, I mean sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said.
"Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the , she did a little of both.
"Mommy, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said.
Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, "Mommy, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"
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LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS
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Posted:Aug 13, 2008 11:26 pm
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2008 5:54 am
3629 Views
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Life is too short for grievances,
For quarrels and for tears,
What's the use of wasting
Precious days and precious years.
If there's something to forgive,
Forgive without delay
Maybe you too, were part to blame,
So make it up today.
Be generous, forget the past
And take the broader view,
Cast away all bitterness and
Let the sunshine through.
If it's within your power
A broken heart to mend,
Remember
Love is all that really
matters in the end.
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THE LAMBSKIN CONDOM
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Posted:Aug 13, 2008 11:24 pm
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2008 3:36 am
3845 Views
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I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
*******************
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
*********************
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
---Shipping executive, FTD Florists
**********************
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
---Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division
*********************
A guy, recently divorced, found himself in the position of having to buy condoms--something he hadn't had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, so he asked the pharmacy clerk for some help.
He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, the guy asked which condom he recommended.
He replied, "The condom made of lamb intestine has a more natural feel."
The guy replied, "Not to us city boys."
********************
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
; He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!!!!
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I FEEL BRILLIANT
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Posted:Aug 13, 2008 11:18 pm
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2008 5:55 am
3683 Views
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TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, that's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her first ?' the doctor asked. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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SOME FRESH GIGGLES
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Posted:Aug 13, 2008 11:13 pm
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2008 3:32 am
3765 Views
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Several weekends ago, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot. As I was loading my car up, I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12- years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9-years-old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).
The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.
So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
**********************
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last enemy with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the Fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.
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A LITTLE MORE HOPE....
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Posted:Jul 28, 2008 6:24 am
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2008 11:04 pm
4080 Views
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Nothing endures forever.
Everything perishes in time.
So laugh and love while you may.
Help who you can----work while you must,
and when the end comes, so be it.
All fame ends in oblivion and is soon forgotten. But it is fun to strive, joy to win.
It is a challenge to lose and try again.
And victory always comes if you try hard enough. To lose is not to fail.
The only failure is to lose and not try again.
Cross your bridges when you come to them------or you pay the toll twice.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person that you are.
I may cry easily, but I never give up…..
Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time you’ve got.
Don’t ask for an easier life…ask to be a stronger person.
We may encounter many defeats, but we must never be defeated.
Our fears are more numerous than our dangers and we suffer more in our imagination than reality.
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! HOPE !
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Posted:Jul 28, 2008 6:20 am
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2008 11:06 pm
3801 Views
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One of the greatest discoveries of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude..
Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave nor lose. To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems in your life, you are the only solution.
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it..
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
God never gives you anything you can’t cope with.
The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream.
If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but fewer imaginary ones, eat more ice cream and less veggies.
Be where you are ……..
Otherwise you will miss your life.
Regret for things we did can be tempered by time;
It is the regret for things we did not do that is inconsolable.
Whether you believe you CAN or you believe you CAN’T------
Your right either way.
If you travel a path without any obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.
Don’t look back unless you plan to go that way.
You can’t drive into the future if your looking into a rear view mirror.
***Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced..
Things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out..
“I tried and it didn’t work” is a lot better than “I wish I had tried”.
Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you.
Each player must accept the cards life deals them, but once they are in hand, they alone must decide how to play the cards to win the game.
Don’t be afraid your life will end------be afraid it will never begin..
Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
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